'in an age of separation'

Several of our blogs have focused on the Shame dynamic strongly emerging in Western culture.

What may be some of the various catalyst's driving such a situation?

• social media is certainly contributing to what is being termed by some as 'shame storming'

• the human heart, sinful and ever bent on putting others down in order to lift ourselves up, is definitely a factor

• the migration of many folks from 'shame cultures' to the West is sure to be a contributor too

• the fact that the West has long left the priority of acknowledging God in His position of absolute truth and authority and has settled for the idea that everyone is free to have their own 'truth' has left the door wide open for subjective group standards and shaming 

• this in turn spawns the unwritten life-value that its other people's opinions and approval that one has to seek for success and identity rather than God's opinion and approval

• when people live for approval in the eyes of others instead of the eyes of God, there is nothing to fall back on for identity and significance if a person fails to get that approval from others, so they will strive for it 'with their whole heart, mind and strength'.  A person can easily be manipulated once this occurs, because they will almost sacrifice anything to gain it and hold onto it.  It goes without saying that fear of losing it, or shame for losing it, becomes a person's sole behaviour motivator and modifier.

BUT is there something more to figure into this mix?

I just read a recommendation by Elyse Fitzpatrick for Ed Welch's book 'Side by Side'.  It's a book about helping average church members know what it means to counsel and come alongside one-another in the day to day struggles of life.  Here is what Elyse said:

"Welch builds a vision of a Christian community that moves beyond platitudes and empty promises to deep, scriptural, Christlike relationships. You will find this book to be a helpful primer on how to ask for and provide help in the midst of an age of separation."
—Elyse M. Fitzpatrick, counselor; speaker; author, Found in Him

The part of her comment I want to draw your attention to is:  "help in the midst of an age of separation".

I truly believe that one reason that could be added to my list above of why the dynamic of shame is suddenly coming to the fore, is because over many decades we have become a group of humanity (particularly in the West) that has become less and less deeply 'connected'.

We were made for relationship and connection.  

Just because society has become less connected hasn't eliminated our desire for connection.

What has contributed to this level of dis-connection?

• many years ago there was no car, let alone ones that are all closed up like a bubble.  People walked, or rode a horse or donkey, or travelled in an (often open) carriage.  

• in the Australian city where I grew up and now in my part of the world, in urban Africa, and in many other cities around the world, houses used to have no or low open wire fences.  Now we often have high fences and walls.

• years ago, kids walked or rode bikes to school chatting with one another along the way, now a parent takes them in the family car.

• years ago there was no TV, let alone internet, netflix or youtube and families talked over dinner and after dinner

• years ago most mums didn't work and kids could have plenty of time to chat with mum before school and after

• years ago many people lived in the same neighbourhoods all their lives and often attended the same church generation after generation.

• years ago people had long chats over the fence, over a 'cuppa tea' at the kitchen table or wrote long well thought out letters to each other

• years ago almost all homes had kids living with both biological parents, unless the child was an orphan due to the death of the parents.

• years ago people greeted each other as they passed along the way and often knew the 'person' behind the face.

But now...

life is somewhat different.

- cities, 

urban living, 

the motor car, 

ease of travel and communication, 

women working outside the home 

and our hectic lifestyle 

have propelled us into dis-relational lifestyles.

We are obsessed with 'privacy' - possibly as an 'over-reaction' to village gossip and the fear of 'big brother'!...but our idolisation of privacy has also given us isolation....

....and yes then along came such inventions as 'facebook', and 'twitter'.

Suddenly with these on-line connection opportunities we believe we have a place where we think we can keep our 'privacy' and get 'connection' as well.  After all we can get 'connected' from the 'privacy' of our own home, car, office, bedroom or even bathroom.  We rush headlong into what was proposed to be the answer to our relational void.

We were desperate to be able to feel 'connected' to people.

But sadly, while not all bad, this 'connection' is filled with a great deal of 'fool's gold'.  It doesn't deliver all that it promises.  

Do 500 'likes' or 1000 'followers' equate to 2 friends you know you can pour your heart out to and have regular deep and helpful conversations - friends you know well and who know you well ...and maybe a few more who while maybe not 'heart-to-heart' level of friends are lifelong connections who still know you well?

Do one sentence snippets and a photo posted here and there equate to deep heart-to-heart exchanges? 

Having coffee with friends is often eclipsed by the smart phone - its not unusual to see 3 or 4 friends gather at a coffee shop and they are each on their own iPhone and none of them are actually talking to each other!  I've now heard of some coffee shops that are 'smart-phone-free' zones to try to get people actually talking to each other!

As I've mentioned before, a friend of mine in Australia has a ministry she calls 'tea an talks' or 'coffee and chats', which is simply just to invite someone over to her home for a cup of tea and cookies and to relax and chat for a couple of hours.  She has had so much positive feedback from such times - people saying 'it was just so good to talk'.

I want to encourage you to take the opportunities you have and make more opportunities to give people space to feel free to have extended time to talk.  

We live in a very superficial world.  We have access to more information than ever before but most people go no further than the surface.  Open the door for folk to come in to your life and feel relaxed and unhurried enough to share. 'Bear one another's burdens and so fulfil the law of Christ'.  Close the gap of separation. How well are we doing at that?  

Especially these days I am so reminded of the opportunities others may have that I don't have right now.  It's not easy to have almost no long term friends with whom I can 'grow' with.  Living as an expat in a foreign country means you tend to connect with other expats and missionaries that are hardly here than they are gone again.  For both my husband and I, we have to live with the fact that we just start to build a good friendship with someone and then they return to their home country. In fulfilling the call of God on our lives to be here, we are separated from all our biological family.  Then for me now days, with limited mobility, I hardly ever have opportunity to have deep heart-to-heart conversations with other women.  

So I say, don't neglect the opportunities you have - both to build others up but also to know the blessing of having others build you up in the process.  When we don't reach out to others and develop deep friendships, not only do we cheat others, but we also deprive ourselves.  It's not an opportunity that we can assume we will always have ready access to.

People around us are desperate for 'connection' in our age of separation.  Their hearts are crying and yearning for opportunities to share the deep troubles of their hearts and the deep questions of their soul and just fellowship of heart.  But instead we are captive to the notion that everyone should 'respect each others privacy' and not encroach on another person's time.  But the body of Christ is supposed to be a place where we  can bear our souls and build each other up, counsel and encourage each other, confront sin with love, and support one another.  

Experiencing the fulness and blessing of 'loving one another' doesn't happen with superficial connection.

Take the first step....invite others to share your time and space, not via a touchpad on an iPhone or iPad, but face to face, over a coffee for a few hours.  

Help rebuild our communities into ones that interact the way God made us to, communities which in the midst of 'separation' are yearning for connection, for love.  

Seek to be a blessing to others and in turn you will be blessed.