Pride...Is it ever ok to be Proud? Part 3

In continuation of Part 1 and Part 2 of this blog post on ‘Pride’, here are the final two categories for us to begin to think about as alternatives for our cultural terminology….

3. Pride vs Privilege/Blessing/Honour
What about 'house-proud'? As a woman and a wife, I am very aware that there can be pressure from others to be 'house proud', to keep the house clean and tidy. But this issue is not really any different from the boy playing sport.  If we are to do ‘all’ - everything - to the glory of God, then even keeping house should be done to the glory of God.  This is not about keeping house according to the expectations of others, but according to how God wants your home to be.  Sometimes with kids around it will have times when it is looks messy, and a house that is truly a ‘home’ is going to looked lived in rather than a display piece. This is about honouring God in how you love and care for your family, and the possessions God has given.

Again, also in regard to national pride, to some degree we equate national pride with national loyalty - this is honour language.  What we honour, we will be loyal to.  But Honour should reflect our privilege and blessing in being whatever nationality we are, not pride in our rights.  Our loyalty should stem from a desire to honour from a heart of thankfulness.  We might say we feel ‘proud’ to be associated with whatever nationality we are, but we might do better to use the words ‘blessed’ or ‘honoured’.

The words we hear and use will mold the beliefs we live by.  Let’s choose our words carefully.

When we use words that don't do the best in properly explaining truth in Godly ways and instead speak in normal 'cultural' ways,  I feel concerned that we not only entrench possibly ungodly cultural patterns, but we also miss out on the opportunity to use words to turn our hearts to the truth and joy that glorifies God.

Pride is a word which can so easily be confused with honour.  Or should I say, the concept of honour can all too easily be infused with pride, and twisted and mis-placed to become pride.  Honour in God’s scheme of things is meant to be something we receive from him, and thus give back to him and others. Pride is focused more on attributing acclaim to ourselves. Both the source and the focus is sinfully misplaced. Even when we say ‘I am proud of you’, we are ever so subtly moving the person’s ‘who should I please’ off God and onto people….and we are only a tiny step away from often then saying the additional words ‘you should be proud of yourself’.

Although, the word 'proud' or 'pride' is part of the words associated with honour, and the word 'honour' is even used in the dictionary to try to describe 'pride' as it links it with self-esteem and self-worth, it is not a word or concept approved of by God.

I suspect a great deal of the use of our word ‘pride’ is because the West has steered away from honour dynamics in the last century. But the reality of the dynamic didn’t vanish in our lives just because we avoided honour terminology. So apart from a natural bent to the sinful and self-focused distortion of honour that we see in ‘pride’, we also ended up using it as the closest honour-word that was socially ‘acceptable’ to express ‘legitimate’ honour….but in the process, using the distorted concept of pride pushes our minds and attitudes, and thus actions, further into the mire of a sinful distortion of honour, rather than the legitimate dynamic. ‘Pride’ terminology pushes us away from focus on God and others, to focus on ourself.

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If someone wins an Olympic medal - an honour - they could have it hung around their neck with an attitude of pride and 'I did this, I trained hard so its my right after all, I deserve this and this should get me noticed in the world and land me a good job'.

OR 

they could receive it with thankfulness for their giftedness and humility as they know how much others have also sacrificed and contributed to the achievement.  

For the average recipient, it is probably a mix of the two.

But there is a difference between the two.  God says true honour is received through humility.

Yet, the world says to take pride in one's own hard work.

And here lies the difference - one is about 'receiving a gift' and the other is about 'taking a right'.

1 Corinthians 4:7 reminds us: 

"Who makes you differ from another? And what do you have that you did not receive? Now if you did indeed receive it, why do you boast as if you had not received it"

The word and concept of Pride evokes and promotes a focus on 'me'. I don't receive pride from anyone or give pride to anyone, it’s a self-ascribed status of exaltation.

Whereas true 'honour' is something that involves 'others'.  Honour is received and given, and reliant on the presence of another.

Maybe the word 'pride' is also reflective of our Western 'individualistic' emphasis and thus our promotion of the concept of self-esteem.  But of course if you take God out of the equation for life, as the West has, and only leave others and yourself, and you don't want to be defined by others or reliant on others for dignity, who is left?....only self.  Thus our world promotes 'pride' and 'self-esteem'.

Let's use the example of being 'house proud’ - if we take care of our home 'as to the Lord’ and honour Him as the goal, when someone gives us praise and honour for a homey looking house, it is humbly received and we thank the Lord for the opportunity to honour Him and His name in this way.

But if we are busy keeping our home spotless so that others will notice and so we can get the praise we desire and the acceptance and approval of others so we are not 'looked down upon', then we will expect others to notice and congratulate us and we will be disappointed if they don't or if they criticize some minor lack.  We might even point out things in our home that we wish others would comment on. I know how easily I can be tempted to go down that road! Instead of desiring that our home blesses others, we hope it blesses us!  This then becomes a ‘right’ we demand, and is more about wanting, expecting and taking prideful ‘honour’, rather than receiving it gratefully.  True honour is a gift and stirs a response of thankfulness.  False honour is sought and taken as gain and revealed in pride.

False self-honour - ie. pride -  also leads to a sense that "I have done well" or "I did a good job" instead of a simple trust and thankfulness in the Lord.  It can also lead to subtle idolatry, where other aspects of what God wants us to do and be are put aside so as to achieve the sense of 'house-proud-ness'.  This can also then flow on to judging others who don't attain your level of tidiness or decor.

The subtle mis-use of this word can reflect just how much our culture can unconsciously dominate our thinking and infiltrate our relationships.

But when we bring true honour into our relationships with others, we bring dignity and value and love and care.  Let’s not forget to 'Honour everyone' (1 Pet 2:17) and to 'outdo one another in showing honour’ in a right God-honouring way (Romans 12:10).

4. Pride vs Courage
Like in the photo earlier in Part 2, of the Billboard promoting circumcision, we can easily confuse pride with courage.  However, we don't have to rely on sinful 'me' pride to gain the motivation to do what is right.  It requires courage to do what is right. It requires courage to make a choice which is different from others. It takes courage to do what may not be approved or affirmed by others. It takes courage to go against peer pressure no matter what age we are. But we don't have to be 'proud' that we have courage….yet we will be if we exclude our Creator.

When God is part of our lives, to have courage is to be bold enough to step out trusting Him for honour and acceptance and success, rather than seeking human or earthly means of achievement, approval and acceptance.

God told Joshua to be 'strong and courageous', not because he could be proud of himself if he took on the challenge ahead of him, but because his confidence was in the Lord who would be with him wherever he went in accordance with God's promises, His call on his life and the Law of God. (Joshua 1:7-9)

Courage which stems from trust in the Lord and in His mighty power results in thankfulness rather than pride.  It reminds us He is our strength and enabling and without Him we ‘can do nothing’ (John 15:5).

So…

…it is interesting to note that Ezekiel 24:21 & 24:25 are almost identical verses - except for the fact that the words God gave Ezekiel to say in each place swap the use of the word for ‘pride’ in the first instance with 2 different words - ‘joy and glory [honour]’ - in the second instance.  Maybe this is also demonstrating the joy and honour nuances of the ‘pride’ dynamic - that pride is having joy and glory in oneself - in other words pride is a misplaced joy and a misplaced glory [honour] and a joy and glory that we take for ourselves and what is important to us, instead of giving it to God.

This shows us directly from the mouth of God that we can have reason to look more towards alternative ‘joy’ and ‘glory[honour]’ vocabulary, to replace the ‘positive’ ways in which we culturally want to use the term ‘pride’.

So… I'd like to encourage you to join me in a counter-cultural journey of ’striving with His energy’ (Colossians 1:29) to replace our cultural terminology with biblical truth, to enable our words and conversation to reflect God's hatred for pride but his love for virtues that please him and bring Him glory.

Let's then also help others learn and grow… in joy, honour, thankfulness and courage!

[8] photo taken by myself of the page from the Collins Dictionary and Thesaurus in One Volume, Ed William T McLeod, Collins, 1987, p78

Pride...Is it ever ok to be Proud? Part 2

 

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As we continue our discussion of our use of the term ‘pride’ and what God says about it from Part 1…..One result of our modern use of the word ‘pride’ is that we also think that the opposite of shame is pride (as in the quote above).

The next result of this belief that pride is the opposite of shame is that we think it’s pride we will need if we are going to be bold to stand for a belief or choice (as in the photo below of a billboard in Swaziland[7] reflecting an issue in Africa).

This is also maybe why the ‘gay’ (homosexual) movement has captured the word ‘pride’ to produce ‘gay pride’ and even one step further that ‘Pride’ has almost become synonymous with a ‘gay’ event or matter.

Maybe we need to recapture godly and biblical terminology which we are maybe overlooking, - terminology which we have but are neglecting to use to their full extent….words such as joy, thankfulness, privilege/honour, and courage.

If we don’t recapture these words and their appropriate use, we could be entrenching sinful perspectives instead of replacing sinful perspectives.

Let's be courageous enough to root out what hinders our hearts from having God's truth firmly planted, and thus what prevents us from bearing the fruit we are meant to.  Let's renew our minds, so we are not conformed to the world but transformed in Christ!

If we take a closer look at Scripture, we soon discover there are godly ways to express those emotions which we commonly call pride.  In fact I think there are at least 4 ways we can learn to express ourselves that are taught and exemplified in Scripture.

1. Pride vs Joy
Scripture tells us for example that God 'rejoices over us’ and ‘delights’ in us (eg Zephaniah 3:17), rather than 'is proud of us', when we honour and obey and please Him.  Is this not similar to what a parent feels when a child does well?

So how should a parent respond to a child who does well?

If we have God in His right place in our lives, then our goal is to bring glory to Him rather than to ourselves.  If we have no belief in God or no regard for Him, then the glory is something we will seek for ourselves instead.  If God isn't part of our lives, then yes, our chests will swell with pride when we look at 'our’ child (or grandchild) who did well...and if we are honest, we like the fact that others see it was 'our' child.

But if God is King of our lives, then we long to see our kids do well for very different reasons.  Firstly we should want them to do well in order to bring glory to God by using the talents and skills He has given them in ways He intended for them to be used.

For the creature to do just what the Creator intended for it to do, and do it diligently and excellently, brings joy to the Creator.  

The Olympic runner Eric Liddel comes to mind when he says in the movie about his life - ‘Chariots of Fire’,  that when he runs he feels God’s joy/pleasure. When a father is excited to see his child do well in some accomplishment, in a small way it is reflective of the joy the heavenly Father has.  The earthly father rejoices alongside the thrill and joy of the child who does well in what he was created to do. 

The father and son can also rejoice together because of the blessing it also can bring others (such as to a whole team that was able to win because of the goal the boy kicked).  The earthly father also rejoices that part of him (as in the child he sired) is doing well and bringing glory to God.  Both can rejoice together and give thanks to God.  We are to do all to the glory of God and so we rejoice in the strength and enabling God Himself gives in order to do that. We are meant to always remember that whatever we do, it is because of how God has enabled us to do it. (Deuteronomy 8:18)  Father and son can rejoice that school work was done, or a game was played, or a piece of art painted, or piece of music performed - all through the enabling of God and to the glory of God.

So rather than say to a child 'you make me so proud', maybe we should rather say 'you bring so much joy to me, to others and to the Lord! There is also opportunity together to pause and give thanks to the Lord for all that He has enabled and the blessing He has given. But this should not just be limited to ‘achievements’ but to when the parent/grandparent or anyone else sees that child (or any person in fact) making choices and setting priorities in accordance with godliness. We love others when we rejoice in the truth exhibited in their lives (1 Cor 13).

There is still plenty of biblical room to encourage one another, honour one another and give praise for someone using their God-given strength and ability to the full. Phrases such as 'You did well my son', or 'you worked hard for this', 'that looks so great', 'you did such a neat job', ‘thank-you so much for all your effort’ etc are still important.  Praise, encouragement and thankfulness for action and attitudes that reflects God's standard and design and beauty, are not irrelevant, but let’s not stop there, let’s make sure God is honoured and thanks is given to Him.

I recall many years ago our Pastor's 3 year old son learning his entrance 'exam' answer for AWANA Cubbies which was : Q. 'What is sin?'  A. 'Makes God sad'.  If sin is making God sad, then righteousness is making God glad!....and along with God, we can be glad in what brings Him gladness!

2. Pride vs Thankfulness

What about national pride?  Should we have national pride?  Should we be 'proud' to be Australian, or American or Kenyan or Fijian, or German or Japanese or whatever? 

It might not be wrong to feel blessed to live in a certain country or community, but such feeling should be from a desire to honour God for his blessing, from a heart of thankfulness and appreciation.  We might hear the word ‘proud’ used as the national anthem is sung, but we could use the word ’thankful'.

In Romans 1, the Apostle Paul explains how the world has gone wrong, and he includes in his description that people have failed to honour God and give thanks to him (v21).  When we are proud of our own achievements or encourage others to be proud of their achievements, it leaves God out of the equation – it fails to honour him and give thanks to him.

God tells his people (Deut 8:18) that they need to be wary of falling into the sinful trap of thinking their own strength has got them where they are, when it was God who gave them the strength in the first place. Whatever blessing we have comes via all that God has already given us and thus thanks should be given to him.  I will hear statements from people like ‘we made Australia what it is’. But while it may look like that (as regard the ‘progress’ or ‘development’ that has occurred), on the surface, there is nothing truly good we enjoy that doesn’t have its original source in God, whether the air we breathe to stay alive, the plants we eat for nutrition that then strengthen our muscles and feed our brain, or the materials we use from this earth to construct and build. Being proud of our achievements neglects and rejects God, to whom all thanks should be given.

[6] Photo sourced from Flickr under creative commons https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/  accessed 31 August 2016 

[7] Photo sourced from Flickr under creative commons https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/  accessed 31 August 2016 

Pride...Is it ever ok to be Proud?

Have you ever been told 'You should be proud of yourself', or to 'take pride in your appearance', or heard someone say that a person 'should be more house-proud'?

We take the usage of the word 'proud' in these situations to mean something good, and that it’s right to be 'proud' in some situations. There is even a movie called 'Proud' where the concept is upheld as a character trait to be aspired to.

I was astonished when a devotional email message was sent to me a short while back saying that ‘pride is not necessarily a bad thing…a certain amount of pride in God-given talent and ability is needed. It’s a needed component of self-esteem and confidence for balanced mental health’…it did go on thankfully to also say that ‘pride can become the most serious sin…without tempering influences of large doses of humility, pride tends to become arrogant’.

Then I also recently read an article about grandchildren being the ‘crown’ of the elderly, that this ‘must first and obviously refer to pride’ and that ‘we know that grandparents are proud of their grandchildren, and that’s right and good’.  However, I was encouraged by the clarification of this endorsement of ‘pride’ by saying ‘But it’s not the kind of pride that says, “Look at my accomplishment. Look what I’ve done.” It’s the kind of pride that says, “Look at God’s accomplishment! Look what God has done!”’ 

But then is that actually ‘pride’?

So there seems to be some confusion and tension on the issue of pride. 

On the one hand we feel like there are times we should have it so want to excuse it or justify it, but we also know  Scripture says God 'opposes the proud' (James 4:6).

How do we reconcile these two opposing uses of the word?

What is this word 'proud’?

The Word ‘Pride/Proud'
Our English Bible's word ‘pride/proud’ is a translation of the Greek word (used in the verse above - James 4:6) tranliterated as huperephanos.
               
                  At biblehub.com,  Thayers Greek Lexicon says it means to “despise others, to be haughty”.[1]


However, unlike our culture, there doesn't seem to be anywhere in Scripture which gives a positive slant to personal pride.  To justify our use of the word we might say there different kinds of pride, there is ‘pride’ (which is ok) and ‘arrogant pride’ (which is not ok). But God seems to say that all pride is unacceptable.

If we look at Jeremiah 9:23-24, it says not to boast in any personal wisdom, might or wealth, but only boast in God and what he does. Similarly, the Apostle Paul states, in addressing the deeply rooted pride issues in the Corinthian church[3],[4], that if he was to 'boast' in anything, it would be in Christ - not himself and his strength or ability. He also talks about boasting in his weaknesses, but this is not personal pride, because his weakness gives credit to Christ for any strength or accomplishment, and ‘boasting’ in what the world despises is not seen by the world as boasting but as humiliating foolishness… and we are called to be humble and fools for Christ (2 Corinthians 10:17,  11:16-30, 12:5,9). Personal pride is not spoken anywhere in Scripture of it being godly.

In fact, as we said earlier, Scripture says that God 'opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble' (James 4:6).  These words which also appear in 1 Peter 5:5 and are reflective of Proverbs 3:34 ’to the humble he gives favour’, are contrasting pride with humility and saying that honour and favour (grace) from God goes to the humble, not the proud.  A bit of humility here and there doesn’t excuse us having pride in other areas. No, pride is the enemy of humility not its companion. The proud are so far from a position of favour, that God actually opposes them.  The proud are on the losing side.

In Scripture, ‘pride' in anything or anyone except God, is sinful. Even pride in our skills and achievements is wrong, as we are not supposed to boast in those, when we should be directing our acclaim to the Giver of those things. (Deut 8:18)

In fact John Piper puts it as bluntly as ‘God hates human pride’ and goes onto list several passages in Scripture as his reasons:

• Proverbs 6:16–17 says, "There are six things which the Lord hates, seven which are an abomination to him . . . " and the first one mentioned is "haughty eyes."
• In Psalm 101:5 David speaks for God and says, "The man of haughty looks and arrogant heart I will not endure."
• Proverbs 16:5, "Every one who is arrogant is an abomination to the Lord."
• Isaiah 2:11, "The haughty looks of man shall be brought low, and the pride of men shall be humbled; and the Lord alone will be exalted in that day."
• Jeremiah 50:31, "Behold, I am against you, O proud one, says the Lord God of hosts; for your day has come, the time when I will punish you."
• Jesus said in Luke 16:15, "What is exalted among men is an abomination in the sight of God."
• And in Acts 12:23 it says that an angel of the Lord struck Herod so that he was eaten with worms and died because when he received applause from the people, he did not give God the glory but took it for himself.[5]

Right now you might be saying: “But, but but.... What about congratulating a child on a job well done? How do we encourage someone to endeavour to keep their house neat and clean?  How do we describe the feeling a parent has when their child does well on the sports field or in an exam?” Surely there really are some contexts where being ‘proud’ is ok?

I wonder if the problem we have here is that, without realising it, as Christians we have unconsciously adopted the ways of the world around us, in how we express ourselves.  Like any culture, we can make too many assumptions that the way we do things must be right, instead of asking ‘Does God say it is right?'.

I don't accusingly point the finger, because I have also used this terminology with no thought at all, and I still find it all too easy to slip back to this terminology which in use all around me. It almost feels ‘strange’ to use other terminology. It certainly feels counter-cultural!


Is There A More Godly Way?  …find out in Part 2 of this blog post.

[1] Accessed 26 August 2016 http://biblehub.com/greek/5244.htm

[3] Piper John, Let him who boasts, boast in the Lord, message on 1 Cor 1:31, http://www.desiringgod.org/messages/let-him-who-boasts-boast-in-the-lord accessed 31 August 2016.  In it Piper points out that it was pride that was the root problem in the Corinthian church and gives 13 references to elucidate this: 1 Cor 1:29, 1:31, 3:7, 3:21, 4:6, 4:18, 5:2, 8:1, 13:4, and 2 Cor 1:9, 3:5, 4:7, 12:9)

[4] Keller, Timothy, The Freedom of Self-forgetfulness, 10Publishing, p8

[5] Piper John, Let him who boasts, boast in the Lord, message on 1 Cor 1:31, http://www.desiringgod.org/messages/let-him-who-boasts-boast-in-the-lord accessed 31 August 2016.

Parenting with Instruction

photo credit - Wikemedia Commons

This month is Aussie Father's Day (we already had ours in this part of the world in June).

Last week at the Men's Bible Study that my husband leads, they just happened to be doing a study on Fatherhood.

At the end of it he asked for feedback on what the guys learnt.

The common response was that they learnt that if they are going to be godly fathers, they need to actually teach their kids.

They commented that culturally fathers (parents) don't teach, kids are just supposed to know how to behave.  

They said how culturally a father is just the harsh authoratarian and disciplinarian.  They learnt that they can be much more than that, and God wants them to be more than just the one who hands out discipline.

We were once again reminded of the dynamics of honor-shame-orality cultures.  Not only is information for life not to be found in written sources, but often the only 'oral' interaction from parents is an order like 'go and tell your mother I want her to come here', or a reprimand 'don't do that you are shaming us'. 

Even more so, Africa isn't just 'oral' but 'visual'.  Kids are meant to 'watch' what happens in life around them without asking questions, and copy what they see in the hope they will get it 'right' in all the things expected of them.  When they don't do their copying 'right' then the reprimand/shaming occurs to let them know that what they did was not acceptable to the one giving the reprimand.  

So it was exciting to hear these young men say how they had learnt that being a godly dad was different from being a cultural dad.  They didn't have to be aloof and harsh, but they could lovingly teach their kids, so that their kids don't have to go through the uncertainty and confusion and guesswork of just being supposed to 'know' what to do, and not do, in life.

It's always a joy to see lives grow in confidence and peace and knowledge as the truth sets them free to be who God made them to be, not just individually, but relationally in their families too.

Tedd Tripp wrote two books on Parenting - the first called 'Shepherding a Child's Heart' which dealt a great deal with not just giving a child a list of rules to follow but guiding their heart to know how to honour God.  The second book 'Instructing a Child's Heart' dealt more with the intentional process of teaching a child and instructing them in the way they need to go. (Deut 6:1-9)

Both are needed - kids need to know the principle of honouring their parents and honouring God, but they also need to benefit from the fact that God has given a whole book of instruction about what pleases Him and what doesn't.  We don't have to just guess and hope we get it right and wait for a reprimand as the guide to whether what we did was acceptable to God or not.

I recommend the above books, but if you don't have time to read two books just now, here is a link to a short blogpost article giving 7 points to help parents be godly 'instructors' of our children.

Father's Day, Black Boxes and Funny Feet

It’s Father’s Day today in our part of the world.

The world has also just heard that the ‘black box’ of the Egypt Air aircraft that recently crashed into the Mediteranean Sea, has been recovered.

So with these two things in mind, it is a good time to be reminded of the impact of fathers.

Black Boxes

You see, the inventer of the black box was the brother of a very special friend of ours, and their father had a vital part to play in both their lives.  

The inventor was David Warren.  He died in 2010 age 85.  He was an Australian Scientist.

David Warren with a prototype of the black box

source - Wikipedia

A while back his daughter gave an interview about her dad to the ABC and the article included this story:

David's father died in a plane crash in 1934. 

An Anglican missionary, he was travelling between Tasmania and Victoria by plane when it crashed into Bass Strait.

One of the last presents he gave his 8 year old son was a crystal radio.

The crystal set and a daydream many years later would help spur David Warren's idea for a black box.

Little did his Dad know that a kind, thoughtful and practical gift to his son to encourage his creativity and stretch his mind, would be the catalyst for a device that would help make air travel safer for millions of air-travellers every day.

Challies.com recently posted a link in his A-la-Carte to a YouTube video about the black box. Here it is.  At about the 1.03 minute mark you will see a document authored by ‘D  Warren’ - that is the man we are talking about.

And here is another article that gives some more background to the invention, and another short documentary video:

and an interview with David in 1999.

But even though David’s father didn’t live to see his son become famous, his legacy through the invention, lives on.

I can only think that this father must have prayed much for his children, for not only did his son come to be active in youth ministry, lead Bible Studies and invent a world changing device, but this same father had a daughter who went on to impact hundreds of lives (and thousands indirectly) in at least 26 countries around the world. 

Funny Feet

That daughter, Grace became one of the first Australian female surgeons and dedicated her life to relieving the pain and suffering of Leprosy Patients.  She served with the Leprosy Mission and travelled the world surgically rectifying ‘funny feet’ —as she calls them—  and giving people their lives back.  She also worked on hands. Her skills with leprosy flowed over to help many patients with problems resulting from Diabetes.  My husband’s hand (badly damaged when a passenger in a car crash) has virtually full function due to her intervention.  There is a reason she is often called ‘Amazing Grace’.

She gave so many of the poorest people in our world, who were shamed and outcast due to leprosy, the restoration of their honour and worth as well as the ability to once again care for themselves and earn a living.

She has made sure to leave her knowledge for the world in her medical textbook ‘The Care of Neuropathic Limbs”.  She was granted Fellowships with the Royal Australasian College of Surgeons and the Royal College in England who also elected her a Hunterian Professor in 1987.  

She told her story in her book ‘Doctor Number 49 and various other articles in magazines and chapters in books have been written about her, including in the Australian Book of Heroism.

Though her earthly father died when she was only 5 years old, it is because of talent inherited from her father and the skill given and enabled by her heavenly Father that she attributes her success.  In an interview with Sydney University Alumni magazine she said:

“I was never a good student,” she says of her school and university days. “But I was practical, good with my hands. That was something I inherited from my father, who had a great aptitude for everything mechanical.”……. 

“It is a gift given to me by God, and dedicated to his service, he gives me the skill”

Interestingly it was because her mum was a widow that she was given special consideration for acceptance into University.  Through the loss of her earthly father in the first civil avaition disaster in Australia, God enabled a great gain to bless many around the world with the very practical love of her Heavenly Father.

Both Grace and David have received honours in the “Order of Australia" awards.  I’m sure there can’t be too many siblings to have both received such awards!

Both she and her brother also both have entries in the Encyclopaedia of Australian Science.

Never underestimate the impact a father can have on his children 

- how you awaken and direct your children’s interests stimulating their God-given talents

- how your prayers for your children are important

- how your example will be impacting even after you are gone

But most of all, never forget that above all, you need to entrust your kids into the hands of their Heavenly Father, and teach them that their relationship with their Heavenly Father is of far greater importance than even with their earthly father - you want them to be all that their Heavenly Father wants them to be, not just who you want them to be.  In His hands, they can impact untold lives in this world, and impact untold lives for eternity too!

Don't be a Wimpy Weak Woman!

I just viewed the video of a message by Mary Kassian at the True Woman conference in 2014 and thought it was well worth passing on.

Is Guilt the answer to Shame?...or is there something GREATER!

When I first read the last couple of chapters of Shame and Vulnerability Researcher Brene Brown's (PhD) book 'Daring Greatly' I was disappointed to read that she felt the answer to shame and its negative impact was to emphasise guilt more heavily.

She said on p 224  "...we need to separate our children from their behaviours.  As it turns out, there's a significant difference between you are bad and you did something bad.  And, no, its not just semantics.  Shame corrodes the part of us that believes we can do and be better.  When we shame and label our children, we take away their opportunity to grow and try on new behaviours.  If a child tells a lie, she can change that behaviour.  If she is a liar--where the potential for change in that?

Cultivating more guilt self-talk and less shame self-talk requires rethinking how we discipline and talk to our children."

She went on to use terms such as a child is 'good' but just makes bad choices.  Now, we know that from a Biblical perspective we are not inherently 'good' and just make bad choices.  We are sinfully bad and thus we make bad choices.  We lie not because we accidentally made a bad choice but because sin hates the truth.  We lie because at heart level we are liars.....so much so, that in saying we are 'good' is actually a lie in itself!

BUT separate of the false 'good' premise she promotes, she actually has a very good point that I failed to realise at the time of that first read.

She is right, guilt is imperative.  Or should I say an awareness of the reality of guilt and its place and function is imperative.  Without it, we have a lop-sided and detrimental perspective on our wrong-doing.

Living, as I do, in a culture that according to The Culture Test results has some of  the highest honour/shame emphasis levels in the world, I see more and more the problems of a lack of guilt emphasis.

You see, Brene Brown is right.  As she and so many others point out that shame is about who I am, and guilt is about what I do.  And if we leave off half the story we create a problem for ourselves.

But you see, I suggest Brene Brown is also wrong. God offers an answer to 'who I am' as well as 'what I do'.  If we only emphasise the 'what I do' we will miss out in offering people an answer for 'who I am'.  

Psychology has for years said that telling people about guilt is a bad thing,  Brene Brown is right in saying that perspective is destructive, because it has left us with only the 'shame' side of the picture.

We may not think so, but God blessed us with guilt in addition to shame.  It gives us balance.  It gives opportunity to hope and start again.  You see, we can see what we do more than who we are.

So when we see what we do, its easier to believe we 'are' something different. When we see what others do, its easier to believe they might be becoming something different.

This is where, if you are managing to follow me, her argument actually contradicts itself.

There is a reason that seeing what we do can give us hope that we 'are' becoming someone different.  And that is because what we do, does come from who we are.  If we are Christians, new creatures in Christ, the 'who we are' changes and thus the 'what we do' changes. ('by their fruit you shall know them' Matthew 7:20).  

What we do comes from who we are

But on the other hand, in our sinful nature, we lie because we are liars.  We sin because we are sinners.  Even our 'good works' outside of Christ are for our own honour and pleasure apart from God, and come from a heart that is self-focused. (Although it is true there is a vague marred image of God's character in our world and a knowledge of 'good' and 'evil' as well as the living example of Christians as salt and light that draws people to desire the benefits of 'good' and to avoid the realities of 'bad'.  And there are certain God ordained 'cause and effect' realities in our world of what happens when 'good' is done as opposed to 'evil' that the world enjoys as part of 'common grace'.)

The problem with her argument comes when a person for whatever reason does something 'bad' again.  At some point they will inevitably still feel that they are becoming 'bad' again.  So they will hide it because to 'become bad' is a  shame issue.

So Brene hopes that teaching kids to emphasise the guilt factor will help them focus on the 'bad thing' and not feel a 'bad person' and thus be more willing to even admit wrong in the first place and learn from it. She believes this will help to create 'shame resilience'.  But its an argument that is built on a false foundation that won't stand the tests she hopes it will.  Focusing on guilt may reduce the impact of shame, but it won't eliminate it.

Focusing on guilt may reduce the impact of shame, but it won't eliminate it.

Now, lets take a leap from this point, as I want to use what we have just talked about to talk further about the place and importance of guilt.  You see Brene Brown is on the right track, she just got a bit diverted by another aspect of psychology (that we are all inherently 'good') along the way.

When there is no or little emphasis on guilt, if a person does wrong, as we have said, there is no room for any interpretation except that the person is bad.  There is no distance between the act and the one committing the act.  There is no space or hope for change.  

But as we interact person to person, God has given a design that includes both guilt and shame.  When we focus on shame alone, and someone does something wrong, we have only two options.  1. ignore it.  2. have full on shame/rejection.  There is no middle ground.   Shame is a 'being' related function whereas guilt is a 'behaviour' related function.  

Shame severs relationship and if we only have 'shame' as a means for dealing with wrong, and emphasise the 'being' without the 'behaviour', we have no means for acknowledging the wrong but still offering relationship in which the person can bring new behaviour and rebuild the honour.  Forgiven guilt is the bridge one has to cross to properly move from shame to restored honour.  Without that bridge, the only answer to shame is a total separation of the relationship....or an ignoring of the behaviour so as to avoid the separation of the relationship.

Forgiven guilt is the bridge one has to cross to properly move from shame to restored honour. 

Aussies are seeing a form of this possibly playing out when the Speaker in Federal Parliament was 'found guilty' for claiming some transport allowance that when 'exposed' was beyond what the Australian public and other parlimentarians thought was acceptable even though it was within the 'rules'.  The Speaker explained it was not done as a deliberate breaking of any rule and she immediately offered to pay it back and did promptly pay it back with penalty.  She also made a significant statement of apology exhibiting remorse.  

Now I am not here to judge the sincerity or accusations surrounding this incident but....it reveals some interesting dynamics.

There were many (especially in the opposition) who demanded the Speaker step down and that she has totally lost their respect over the incident.  They say they cannot respect the position she holds in the Parliament while she fills it.  Interestingly a poll (31 July 2015) taken by THE AGE newspaper had about 2/3 agreeing she should step down because people have lost trust in her, and 1/3 who said she should stay otherwise the punishment would be greater than the crime.  

Here we have a situation that is like big flashing lights to me of a guilt-shame culture collision of a Western culture that is in tension, and dare I say transition, between a once guilt emphasis and a growing shame emphasis - although neither side would be aware of what is going on.

The Speaker (age 72) did all the 'right' things expected in a guilt emphasis culture - she confessed (didn't deny it), she gave an apology showing remorse, and she paid back the amount even with additional 25% penalty.  Not only that but she voluntarily asked the Finance committee to check all her other past expenses so if there is anything else that is felt she should pay back she will. I think she expected forgiveness and permission to 'start again' and show she would not do the same thing again.

Those accusing her, however have little room for forgiveness of guilt, it seems.  In their framework, she has broken the trust that they believed was necessary to hold the relationship of respect together.  So now the relationship is broken and the only way for the Parliament to move on is for her to be removed.  In their minds, the relationship has ended.  Behaviour is inseparable from the person, in their thinking, and opportunity for behaviour change is not permissible.  There is not the slightest hope for forgiveness and in fact the word hasn't even been mentioned in anything I've read. This is considered enough to ruin her reputation with no room for reparation.  From their perspective what she is guilty of, is that she lost their respect.

While details may differ, the elements of this scenario are so common in situations I've observed in the culture around me.  There is nothing positive about losing a right emphasis on guilt.  The West has been blessed for many years to benefit from a 'guilt factor' reality.  Brene Brown is right to be concerned about its fading from the scene and the need to make sure it comes back.

Lest I be thought to be simplistic in this, I am not saying an over-emphasis on guilt is the answer.  Part of the reason I was originally in disagreement with Brene Brown's statement was that if we just keep ignoring shame and emphasising guilt, it won't just go away.  Shame is not a human construct that we can eliminate.  Focusing on behaviour alone will not remove the reality of our 'being'.  We cannot detach 'what we do' from 'who we are'. 

Our world in its broken sinful state, and the West with its post-Judeo-Christian legacy, is grasping at ways to solve its problems.  It sees some blurred images of truth, that are fast fading in the Western world, but neither understands their source nor seeks the fullness of their truth.  Our world wants the blessings of godliness without God.

God has an answer for 'who we are

What our world fails to realise is that God has an answer for 'who we are'.  We do not have to declare ourselves 'good' in order to escape a knowledge 'we are bad'.  In fact when we do, we keep ourselves estranged from the very One who is good, and who wants to give us a new 'good' nature, in Himself.  

We can't rename a bad thing 'good' in the hope it will change.  But God doesn't just re-name us (although that's included since we go from sinner to saint!), but He remakes us and redeems us!  We get to change who we 'are'. 

We don't just have to learn shame resilience, but we receive shame replacement. We gain a new identity - one of honour instead of shame.  Not only are our sins forgiven, but the old 'me' goes and a new 'me' comes....a new 'me' is born!  

We can be born again when the One who cannot sin and does not sin is born into us and give us His new life!  Then since we behave from a base of who we are, our behaviour also begins to change.  

We won't be perfect in behaviour in this life as we battle the reality of this sinful world and our 'old' sinful nature in our flesh, but as we submit to Christ, we are being transformed from one degree of glory (honour) to another.

This is the good news of the gospel!