Sin is more than law-breaking: Lessons about honour and shame from a Blue Crayon

Being grandparents is one of those special joys in life I will always treasure. 

One of the opportunities it brings is being involved in the teaching and training of precious young lives and watching them learn and grow. 

Recently discovering artistic blue crayon 'swirls' drawn on one of our white walls provided another of those teaching and training opportunities.

But as I thought about the 'crayon' event afterwards, I realised it not only taught a little four year old something about telling the truth, and being found out for her wrong doing, and confession of sin, and forgiveness, and how her efforts of cleaning it off were useless (she offered to get a cloth and wash it off and tried for all her worth) and only Grand-pa's Sugar-soap was able to scrub the wall clean…

…..but…..she also brought me the blessing of teaching and growing my alertness once again to the honour-shame dynamics of the nature of sin.

 

Blue Crayon Lesson 1 

- There is a non-disobedience, 'shame' kind of wrongdoing

I have lost count of how many times I have read that sin is defined as 'breaking the law' or 'disobedience'.

However, my little grand-daughter's artwork on the wall was not disobedience. No adult had specifically issued her with a command or instruction not to draw on walls in our house. 

However, as soon as I called her and pointed at the wall and asked in a very particular serious tone of disapproval 'who did this?', she went instantly silent and turned her head away and wouldn't look at me. 

She instantly knew she had done something wrong and unacceptable, just from my tone.

But what kind of wrong was it?

If it wasn't disobedience, what was it?

It was primarily dishonour and disrespect.

Eventually after I assured her that although Grandma (me) was not happy with what she had done and it was a bad thing to do that I would not be cross at her for telling the truth, she did honestly confess and tell me that she did it and we had a conversation about drawing on paper only and not walls. She also had a lesson on confession and forgiveness, but that there were still consequences to deal with. Like many situations in parenting, what appeared to be first a 'bad' situation was actually a 'good' opportunity for God to use as a teaching moment in which we thought about what God would want us to learn from it, and be prompted to turn our hearts to him…and thus glorify him.

Blue Crayon Lesson 2 

- Looking for what we can easily miss about shame

But also, what seemed a 'mundane' and 'normal' parenting (or grand-parenting ) event was yet another occasion where I am learning to see and consider 'with new eyes', and be more alert to, the honour-shame dynamics which were 'shouting' out at me, but where I could have easily missed their reality.

As the 'crayon artist' was questioned about the situation, she acknowledged and agreed that it is paper that she should be drawing on (and later I further explained to her only her paper not just any paper she finds in the house!). But there had been no direct disobedience to a previously defined house 'rule'.

But I noticed some further dynamics play out….

• She came to the very real awareness that amidst her behaviour that was unacceptable, she felt unacceptable. 

• Her normal desire to face me and tell me some new discovery or run and hug me had suddenly changed. 

• She went totally silent and seemed to withdraw instantly into herself (even holding her arms close to her body as she stood in front of me as I crouched in front of her). 

• Her head was turned away and even when I moved her and told her to look at me, her face was toward me but her eyes were looking off to the side.

All honour of close relationship with her Grandma had suddenly been destroyed. And though she knew I wasn't happy, even with my arm around her, she still couldn't bring herself to face me.

Blue Crayon Lesson 3 

- Learn from what we observe and interpret it from more than just a guilt-law-disobedience lens

Some of what this event highlighted to me was:

• Wrongdoing is more than disobedience and law-breaking.

• Wrongdoing is rooted in an awareness of not measuring up, and thus not being acceptable to the one you meant to please. Because the word in Scripture translated as 'sin' means to miss the mark, the real meaning and reality of sin is more related to unacceptability than to specifically disobedience and lawbreaking.

• Behaviour exposed as unacceptable is felt as personal unacceptability and is instinctively felt and intrinsically linked to a sense of shame.

• Shame brings an automatic and untaught response. Guilt from disobedience only comes about as a result of transgressing a known itemised, explained and taught law. Shame comes about with no teaching, training or even with no transgression, but by simply 'feeling' a short-coming in the expectations and 'eyes' of the one we desire to please.

• Shame brings separation and a break in relationship. Joy in closeness and togetherness is gone, peace and relaxedness and freedom to converse is also destroyed.

• Shame brings an instinctive desire to withdraw and pull away, to hide, especially from the gaze of the one we have dishonoured.

• Shame brings a fear to even look upon the one who we should otherwise love, and should otherwise enjoy the eyes of joy and approval of.

Blue Crayon Lesson 4 

- Understanding the shame context of sin helps us bring the rightly explained biblical solutions to the problem

The good news was that when she confessed and was forgiven suddenly the reconciliation was instantaneous. Separation and hiding ceased, fear disappeared, the experience of love and closeness and joy returned. Honour of relationship as it was meant to be was restored. 

As we bring others the good news of how Jesus deals with our sin, we need to understand how sin works, not just in the context of guilt but in the context of shame. We need to be careful not to only see and understand wrongdoing in the context of law-breaking and disobedience. We need to recognise how sin is far more deeply and intrinsically tied to shame and how it causes a person to respond in relation to shame, right from a very small child.

As you and I learn more of the dynamics of sin in relation to shame, there comes the opportunity and need to bring the message of the gospel into such situations. We don't need to wait till disobedience occurs to lead someone to recognise wrongdoing or sin…we should not only use the context of disobedience to teach about sin. Jesus didn't come just to deal with the guilt of our disobeying but with the shame of our dishonouring. We need to not overlook the context and opportunities that shame brings to teach us about sin and how Jesus conquers sin and brings reconciliation and restored honour to shame shattered hearts.

Blue Crayon Lesson 5 

- We need to parent and disciple more from a base first of instinctive and inherent honour-shame realities and not skip this only teaching sin in relation to guilt-law-disobedience.

Foundations are built from physical birth and from spiritual birth and habits and perspectives and understandings are formed. Life is full of observation, interpretation and application. We take in what we are exposed to, we then try to make sense of it (consciously or unconsciously) and then we try to fit it into how we see and what we believe about life and thus it emerges in how we then live.

I would like to suggest that we miss the most foundational parts of the human soul when we overlook shame or over-emphasise guilt to the neglect or mis-understanding about shame.

To conclude…

Let's be gospel-honour hope bringers 

to a world deep in the mire 

of sin-shame hopelessness.

Whether you are a parent or a friend or in ministry or looking at your own life, the shame-roots of how sin is and how it functions, is imperative to understand and understand well. In reality it is nothing new, and it doesn't become less important just because we fail to prioritise its importance in our thinking. Right from a very young age a child is responding to awareness of unrighteousness through a lens of honour or the loss of honour (shame). 

While the law was given to taught about what we should do, living in honour is how we were made to be. Before the law, there was honour. Under any law-breaking issue is a more foundational honour-loss issue. Before a person, including children learn about law-breaking they already know that honour-losing is a place of fear, anxiety, separation, ruined relationship, isolation, unacceptability and shame. Our world is filled with awareness and fear of honour-losing, so let us maximise that awareness and bring the good news of how Jesus made a way to overcome that very thing that we have feared from before we ever learnt about laws and law-breaking. Let's be gospel-honour hope bringers to a world deep in the mire of sin-shame hopelessness.

Australia’s Aged Care ‘Honour’ problem!

Recently there has been a particular focus on the problems in the way elderly people are treated in aged care homes in Australia. Such a despicable situation was exposed in some settings, that the Prime Minister called for a Commission to investigate.  Subsequently there was a bit of 'conversation' in the media on the topic, including an article I read.

Because of our family's current experience, I am particularly atuned to this topic.  

But what is of interest to me is how the media conversation on this aged care issue, is using so much 'honour' terminology.  

The article I read didn't talk much about rules and regulations, but about the problem of how we do or do not value the elderly in our society.  The article used a great deal of honour/shame related vocabulary.

What is essentially being talked about in this article, is a call for a change in our societal collective 'honour-code' - a term and concept addressed in the book 'The Honor Code' by Kwame Anthony Appiah. 

It's about recognising that change comes about when we change what and who we honour and value.  Changing or increasing rules and regulations and penalties for breaking them doesn't change the heart of people.  Without using the exact words, this article called for society to have a change of 'heart' in who we 'honour'. It is calling for regognising not just what we 'do' but who we 'are'. (...mind you the elderly still have a lot they can 'do' even though it might not be obvious - they can teach! There is so much we can learn by interacting with the elderly, if we only took the time, that would enrich our lives, grow our knowledge and wisdom and increase our appreciation for them.)

But here are some examples and quotes (in italics), showing the honour-shame emphasis of the article:

Dishonour is about negative stereotyping, rejection, marginalisation:

The commission needs to go beyond the institutional problems at individual aged care facilities, as these are a symptom of a much broader rejection of ageing in society and marginalisation of older people.

Negative stereotyping of older people is reinforced in the media, and this both informs and reflects societal attitudes.

What Society honours is what society values, and when that honour emphasis is an achieved honour for what we 'do', there can be a reciprocal lack of ascribed honour for who we 'are':

Our value is largely determined by our economic contributions to society. But for many older people, this is difficult to demonstrate because they're no longer in the workforce.

However, it is important that older people are not considered redundant in their societal role when dependency increases.

Honour is about status:

Within the healthcare sector, aged care has the lowest status of all specialty areas among nurses and doctors.

Honour is about respect:

Encouraging more healthcare professionals to enter the aged care sector will require a multi-pronged approach, starting with finding ways to engender more professional respect for those working in the field.

Honour is about people and relationships not just rules and regulations:

This requires strategies to build better relationships between residents and staff

What we honour is about what we value:

We have an opportunity to reconstruct the delivery of residential aged care. Let's begin with the end in mind: a society that not only values older people, but values the resources required to provide the care they need and deserve.

Honour is about recognition and priority - being seen as important and special:

Greater emphasis also needs to be placed on improving the gerontological expertise of aged care workers. This can be strengthened by prioritising aged care in medical school education and recognising "nursing home" care as a specialist medical area.

Increased funding and oversight will only come when we collectively say it's important.

When I began my Nursing degree, I don't recall anyone in my year aiming to become an aged care nurse. I had even worked in an aged care facility, yet I was aiming to become a mid-wife. I enjoyed the work in the aged care facility, but it wasn't a career priority for me.  

If I, who actually enjoyed working with older people, and saw them as valuable as anyone else in God's eyes, didn't prioritise aged care nursing as a goal after graduation, I am not exactly suprised it has little interest for so many. 

With modern society seeing the elderly as obsolete contributors to the community, no wonder we have created a society that attributes little importance to the elderly and their care. After all, despite this current conversation on needing to care for the elderly honourably, there is another conversation about euthenasia going on, which is diametrically opposed to the value and contribution of those who are old, ill, and needing care.

But apart from that incongruence, this current focus is a reminder of the changing shift in thinking of the current generation - that honour, respect and value is important apart from what we 'do'.  It's a welcome new focus, and a needed new focus in a time when Aussie culture has gone to an extreme emphasis of laws, rules, and regulations as if they were the be-all and end-all of properly functioning society.

Now it behoves the church to continue to recognise this shift and work with it in bringing a godly and biblical perspective to this honour-shame focus, so that it doesn't just become a secular change but is a sacred change as well. 

It's not just about current society saying the elderly are of value and should be honoured, but that God as Creator says that the elderly are important and deserving of right and proper honour in His eyes.

Parenting with Instruction

photo credit - Wikemedia Commons

This month is Aussie Father's Day (we already had ours in this part of the world in June).

Last week at the Men's Bible Study that my husband leads, they just happened to be doing a study on Fatherhood.

At the end of it he asked for feedback on what the guys learnt.

The common response was that they learnt that if they are going to be godly fathers, they need to actually teach their kids.

They commented that culturally fathers (parents) don't teach, kids are just supposed to know how to behave.  

They said how culturally a father is just the harsh authoratarian and disciplinarian.  They learnt that they can be much more than that, and God wants them to be more than just the one who hands out discipline.

We were once again reminded of the dynamics of honor-shame-orality cultures.  Not only is information for life not to be found in written sources, but often the only 'oral' interaction from parents is an order like 'go and tell your mother I want her to come here', or a reprimand 'don't do that you are shaming us'. 

Even more so, Africa isn't just 'oral' but 'visual'.  Kids are meant to 'watch' what happens in life around them without asking questions, and copy what they see in the hope they will get it 'right' in all the things expected of them.  When they don't do their copying 'right' then the reprimand/shaming occurs to let them know that what they did was not acceptable to the one giving the reprimand.  

So it was exciting to hear these young men say how they had learnt that being a godly dad was different from being a cultural dad.  They didn't have to be aloof and harsh, but they could lovingly teach their kids, so that their kids don't have to go through the uncertainty and confusion and guesswork of just being supposed to 'know' what to do, and not do, in life.

It's always a joy to see lives grow in confidence and peace and knowledge as the truth sets them free to be who God made them to be, not just individually, but relationally in their families too.

Tedd Tripp wrote two books on Parenting - the first called 'Shepherding a Child's Heart' which dealt a great deal with not just giving a child a list of rules to follow but guiding their heart to know how to honour God.  The second book 'Instructing a Child's Heart' dealt more with the intentional process of teaching a child and instructing them in the way they need to go. (Deut 6:1-9)

Both are needed - kids need to know the principle of honouring their parents and honouring God, but they also need to benefit from the fact that God has given a whole book of instruction about what pleases Him and what doesn't.  We don't have to just guess and hope we get it right and wait for a reprimand as the guide to whether what we did was acceptable to God or not.

I recommend the above books, but if you don't have time to read two books just now, here is a link to a short blogpost article giving 7 points to help parents be godly 'instructors' of our children.

...thinking some more about the honour of old age

Ageing. Getting older. 

This week my wonderful Grandma reaches 95!

So in a way this post is in her honour! 

She is someone who has embraced her age at each stage and although she for sure has found her increasing frailness difficult to accept at times, she has been a true example to me of truly growing old gracefully.

In the Western world, growing old is seen as something to avoid - at least to avoid the appearance of it.

Old age is 'delayed', 'disguised' and 'despised' as one writer put it!

We are obsessed with not looking like we are growing old. You can get face-lifts, dye your hair so it will never appear to 'go grey', buy anti-wrinkle cream, get 'granny wart' skin growths burnt off etc etc.

We are also obsessed with showing that an older person can do just as much as a younger person - so we have the Master's Games, and University for the Older generation.   We applaud when someone in their 80s is on 'Facebook'.

Now I certainly do not disagree with an older person desiring to continue in sports or take up a new sport, or to take up some new study or want to take care of their skin. But I am concerned if people are doing these things because they don't want to feel like they are getting old.  And I am concerned that the 'world' assesses the elderly as 'better' if they are seen to not be letting age 'overtake' them.

There is a view that 'old people' have a lower quality of life and so to maintain a good quality of life one must 'do' these things to still look/feel like they are achieving.

I think this is partly because of our Western understanding of honour.  In the West we don't talk a lot about honour, but its there, subltly lingering in the shadows.  

Honour is not just about achieving more.

The honour which functions in Western society tends to function on an achieved level more than an ascribed level....and thus old age doesn't carry with it much (if any) honour just from being 'elderly'.  So we have created this mentality that even an older person has to keep 'achieving' to be honoured. . . . . . . . . . . this is in contrast to the traditional view of the culture around me in Africa. 

Traditionally there has been great respect for the elderly here (sadly that is changing, no thanks to the West and media most probably).  There was honour simply in being old, as it was realised how much experience and wisdom the elderly had about the affairs of life. (Now it is true that some of that is related to traditional religious views relating to ancestors, but none-the-less there still was respect for the elderly.)

But even in the 'achieved honour' area, The West, as a society, has allowed the lack of honour for motherhood on its own as achieving anything very high up the ranking scale, to flow over even into the role of grand-parenting.  

Oh its not that we Westerners ignore grand-parents, but we often don't see grand-parents as anything more than baby-sitters.  And maybe grandparents aren't as involved in the general lives of their children and grand-children because they themselves are often still both working.

I look back on my childhood with rare affection, the many memories I have and the mountain of 'stuff' I learnt by interacting with my grandparents in a myriad of settings.

As I have now moved into the 'grand-parent' zone, and see my own mum enjoying a new season in her life of 'older age' and have my last grand-parent now entering her 96th year, I am more and more realising how little our Western world has come to not value older age - to the detriment of the generations to come.

BUT it seems, that despite the 'world's' general perception that old age is a bad season of life, those actually in old age are experiencing something different.

A great Wall Street Journal article  came across my 'desk' a while back which shows in some recent studies, older people are actually much more content and happy and positive than we may have been led to believe - it is not a zone to be feared and avoided at all costs. A few myths are well busted in the article.  The article is commented on further by another blogpost which summarises the few 'myths' and their realities:

1. Myth: Depression is more prevalent in old age.
   Fact: "In general, when we look at older adults, they tend to be happier, less anxious, less angry and tend to adapt well to their circumstances."
2. Myth: Cognitive decline is inevitable.
   Fact: ". . . barring dementia, older adults perform better in the real world than they do on cognitive tests."
3. Myth: Older workers are less productive.
   Fact: "The economists determined that over that four-year period, the older workers committed slightly fewer severe errors, while the younger workers' severe error rates edged up."
4. Myth: Loneliness is more likely.
   Fact: "Older adults typically report better marriages, more supportive friendships, less conflict with children and siblings and closer ties with members of their social networks than younger adults."
5. Myth: Creativity declines with age.
   Fact: "Creative genius clusters in to two categories: conceptual artists, who tend to do their best work in their 20s and 30s, and experimental artists, who often need a few more decades to reach full potential."
6. Myth: More exercise is better.
   Fact: "Stick to a moderate cardiovascular workout of no more than 30 miles (of running) a week or 50 to 60 minutes of vigorous exercise a day, and take at least one day off each week."

I do not deny that all of us have to come to terms with certain 'losses' in old age. But if our society - which starts with you and me -  started to celebrate more what older people are good at and the unique ways they can bless others, rather than expect them to achieve in the same ways as those younger, then maybe we would all be better for it.

After all, Scripture gives us direction that older folk are meant to be valued for the richness of life that they can bring.  They are meant to be sharing God's grace by teaching their grandkids about history and about God's faithfulness over the long haul.  If we are to honour what God honours, then the younger generation is supposed to welcome that input and value and honour the older generation.

(see Proverbs 20:29, Job 12:12, Deuteronomy 4:9)

(Could I also suggest that if we don't like the idea of growing older we run the danger of being so absorbed in our own self-youth-preservation through trying to avoid the realities of ageing, ignoring the signs, and escaping the reminders, that we miss out on the joys of celebrating that stage of life and benefiting the younger generations....and the younger generations who don't value ageing are depriving themselves of wisdom and knowledge that can be gained - and are thus defrauding their culture and society from having the benefit of such knowledge and wisdom in years to come.)

So…….

• What can you do to encourage and honour an older person?  

• In what ways could you factor in time for you and your kids to spend time with older people (not least grandparents) so as to benefit and learn from the richness of their wisdom and life experiences?

• In what ways could you promote in your circle, a better attitude and respect for the elderly and opportunities to 'hear' them and learn from them.... and bust a few more myths out there?

• And if you are in the 'older' zone, in what ways can you think differently about your situation and even more boldly embrace aging and give thanks to the Lord for the journey He has taken you on and the ways He has grown you and blessed you?  In what ways can you then embrace in a new way the opportunities for all the richness you have to give to those around you?

The Honour of Motherhood

In many parts of the world today is Mother's Day.

It's the specially designated day of the year to honour mothers and motherhood.

But our world is in interesting times…..particularly in the Western World.

We want to honour motherhood but at the same time we are subtly undermining, confusing and destroying motherhood.

• Many women have believed the lie from society that true honour only comes through achieving status and accomplishing goals outside of the home.  Women want a career, and children get squeezed in around it.

• Some women have believed the lie in their own heads and not negated by society that they actually are not a woman and want their bodies to have major external intervention and change via male hormones or gender-reassignment surgery.

• Some men have believed the lie that they can have relations with each other, get a child via surrogacy and donor eggs or adoption, and deprive the child of ever having a mother at all in their lives.

• Millions of women have believed the widespread lie that its ok to kill the baby growing in their body and want to avoid motherhood altogether

• Here in our corner of the world, so many girls get pregnant out of marriage.  Many find a way to get an illegal abortion. Others take the baby back to their village to a grandma and leave the child there, depriving the child of the presence of a mother.

One of the ways I am convinced Satan destoys our world is to not only destroy the family unit structure He designed of mother, father and children together, but to destroy the identity concept of those who make up a family.  He is bent on destroying God's intended honor bestowed on the role and status of 'father' and of 'man' as well as of 'mother' and of 'woman'. Along with the creation of Adam, Eve as woman and mother of all living was part of God's foundational creation blueprint.

In our modern sin-sick Western world we are seeing Satan stealing the true honour of being a woman and of being a mother.

God gave a woman the immense privilege of the possibility of motherhood.  It is an honour that is so often taken for granted and abused, but it is an honour of immense proportions.  (In some ways this has become even more important to me in my context of us being an infertile couple and watching so many others treating the gift of motherhood with carelessness). A mother carries a child within her body for 9 months, then it is her body that births that child and then her body that sustains that child with food for many months after that and she is the primary care-giver for the child until the child leaves home. This is no small role.

A recent article at The Gospel Coalition about Ectogenesis highlighted the further possibilities, with current science, of a woman's loss of even being needed to conceive or carry a child in pregnancy or give birth at all.   This will only further undermine the honor of motherhood as the author of that articles reminds us.

Satan as the eternally shamed one, is 'hell-bent' on destoying the honour of the One who shamed him.  We know the end of the story that there is no escape from eternal punishment and shame for Satan, but he won't go quietly….he will go kicking and screaming, blaming and shaming, stealing and destroying.  He wants to shame God by destroying the honour of what God created and how he created it.  He renames his distortions with the names meant for God's original plan, and calls them 'dignity' or 'equality' or 'tolerance' or 'freedom'. But it is all designed to erode our identity and personhood and true created honour, so that we become a 'nothing'.  Satan fools the world into thinking it is gaining something greater when in fact it is losing everything it was created to be.  

The current eroding of the concept of true male and female gender as defined by how God forms us in the womb, is an attack at the very core nature of who we are and how God created us 'male and female'.   And sadly this is not only a matter impacting the Western world.  An African university student I mentor asked me last time we met 'what's the deal with this whole transgender stuff?'

On this day, lets make the most of it, and celebrate the wonderful uniqueness of womanhood, of being female, of motherhood. Let's make sure we intentionally teach it in our churches, our Sunday School classes, our homes and in every opportunity we have in our neighbourhoods and community as we chat 'over the fence' or 'over the counter'.

We honour mothers today because God first gave honour to being female and being a mother.  Let us not waver or wane in our honour of what God honours. Let us give thanks for the role and blessing of motherhood as God created it to be.

ps………..last but not least let me honour my own mother and mother-in-law today with a link to this article tribute to mothers of missionaries

The Confusion Over the Honour and Equality of Women

Equality of Women.

This is a topic to cause any conversation to get heated…..just like the blog I wrote a few weeks back about honour and headship and leadership.

But here I want to touch on the honour of a woman in the midst of the equality debate.

I have just come across a superb blog article (via a link from Challies.com), about women and their value alongside men….no not just value, but how much a man needs a woman to accomplish and be, all that he was created to be.  The article is profound, not just because it states the truth, but because of the ways it states it, and the referencess it quotes from the literature.

Please take the time to read the full article here, but meanwhile here is the final paragraph (emphasis mine):

Woman is the most powerful living force on the globe. She creates, shapes, and sustains human civilization. The first step in weakening her power is to convince her that she must overcome her femininity. This, ironically, is precisely what the most vocal strains of feminism have advocated. Yes, woman should have equality in the workplace, in politics, and in the public square. But to render her more like man in order to accomplish this, and to judge her womanliness a hindrance to her ascendancy, is to get things exactly backwards. It is to treat her as much less than she truly is.

I think this article hits the nail on the head.

We are confusing the 'are' and the 'do' of life.

As I have mentioned before, the Western world who have promoted feminism, are coming from an 'achieved honour' focus culture.  They see honour as being derived from what a person 'does'.  This is not the time to go into a theological treatise on ascribed and achieved honour in Scripture, but biblically our primary identity is not achieved but ascribed. We did nothing to be born and nothing to be re-born.  Once we are born, we then start 'do'-ing, and when we are re-born, we then 'do'.  But both only occur because we first 'are'. The 'doing' is the logical and natural outworking of the 'being'.

In trying to escape a mis-placed earthly and cultural honour which ascribed women a lower status, the world's answer seemed to be in the 'new' opportunities of the industrialised world, where women could begin to 'do' what men 'do'.  

Femininism was women seeking through achievement, what they believed they were failing to receive through culturally ascribed honour.  It is no different here in Africa.  Feminism and Feminist theology is strong in our corner of Africa.

But both feminism, and the culture it is rebelling against, are seeking mis-placed honour.  It is seeking honour according to the honour codes of fallen creation, of human wisdom and of finite knowledge, instead of finding honour from the Creator and knowing the joy of living according to His plan and purpose.

The world only knew one way to 'overcome' what was thought were the boundaries preventing a woman's honour (spoken about as dignity, equality, respect etc), and that was to overcome the femininity that held her back from 'doing' what men do.

Hoped for honour-gain has become honour-loss

But in seeking such honour by becoming more like a man, we didn't gain honour, we lost it.  

We lost the honour of our femininity.  

We lost the joy and pleasure of being who the Creator intended us to be.  

And as the blog article pointed out, the more society looses feminine women, the more society loses out. We end up with men who can't fully be the men they were meant to be and women who are refusing to be the women they were meant to be.

In fact we as women show how small-minded we are when we say we need to become like men.  

For a lock on a door to be functional according to its purpose there has to be both the lock mechanism and a key.  Neither one without the other is useful, but neither are anything like each other (except maybe they are both made of metal).  For one to say to the other that it must become in shape and activity the same as the other is pure nonsense.  They 'achieve' their purpose because they are different and work together acknowledging how the differences are meant to interact.  Neither is better than the other, and neither's activity is less important than the other.  Each is equal in value, worth, importance, significance and honour.

Identity needs to be rooted in the Creator's truth not the creation's ideas.

We need to develop a strong identity in who we 'are'.  And that identity needs to be rooted in who the Creator says we are.  

It must not be in what the world says we should look like, or what function we do or don't have, or what earthly heritage we come from.  Our identity needs to come from the ascribed honour we have firstly as beings uniquely created in God's image, and then most of all as who we are in Christ.

We must also be careful not to fall for the temptation to try to 're-create' the Creator's design, and re-define issues according to our own wisdom, in order to fit society trends or cultural mores….we can easily run the danger of seeking to be 'approved' by cultural opinion while rejecting God's opinion. On the other hand we should seek God's approval and smile even at the risk of rejection by cultural opinion. 

And as women, we need to learn to be content in who God says we are, and who God created us to be.  

What we 'do' is not the measure of who we are.  

What we 'do' may come from who we 'are', but the honour of identity starts with who we 'are' according to the Creator.  It is then and only then, that what we 'do' according to God's plan for us, will also be honourable.

Women will never be equal to men….in what we do.  

But guess what?….said another way…..

Men will never be equal to women either, in what they do. 

Different doesn't mean despicable

Men and Women are different: our roles are different, our function is different, our strengths are different, our weaknesses are different, our brains are different, our biology is different.  We are wonderfully different!  

When differences are in accordance with the creativity of the Creator, and not our own notions, 'different' is not something to be avoided, but to be embraced. 

We have just had the 2016 Olympics and every race was divided so that men and women do not run in the same race…..this is not because the Olympics treats women as inferior, but because it treats them with consideration and honour. 

We don't force 13 year old swimmers to enter the same world championships as 20 year old swimmers.  

The Paralympics are not held separately because we despise the disabled, but because we honour them.  To force them to run against others without disabilitites is dishonouring them.  For a disabled person to refuse to participate in the Paralympics because they see it as discrimiation is to refuse honour and set themselves up for failure and disgrace. 

We say things in the West like 'dare to be different' or 'embrace your unique gifts and qualities' or 'don't let anyone else tell you what you should be', and yet women are believing the lie that feminity is an unacceptable 'difference' that we should discard. We have believed the evolution lie that whatever is 'current' is of a higher evolved state and thus better than what went before so whatever 'new' idea comes along must be better for us.  

But the lies of the Serpant that started in the Garden are still capturing our minds today. 

When our idea of 'better' doesn't match the Creator's perfect design and we deem that the male and female differences are a hindrance to 'advancement' and 'happiness' and 'success', we are on the road of disappointment, delusion and destruction.

Delight in femininity

It's only when we acknowledge and embrace the differences that form the Creator's design, that they can become the very means to our true 'success' as how we were created to be.

It is only as we recognise our Creator (who made us as equal in His sight), and our Redeemer (who in Him we stand equal in His sight), that we will enjoy the fulness of who we are.

Even as Christians we can be tempted to first gain our identity from what we 'do' as seen by others and approved by others around us.  But if we take that road, we will set ourselves up for false comparisons….both with other women as well as with men.  

False comparisons will steal your contentment and flood you with condemnation.  

They will tempt you to want to 'be' who you are not.  

They will lure you to live outside the Creator's design. In this age of 'gender confusion' there is lots of temptation to live outside the Creator's design.

But that just sets you up for further heartache and disappointment.  

Let's not destroy our true created identity and honour in an effort to run after mis-placed identity and honour. 

Women, let's delight and rejoice in our femininity, and rejoice in our God who gave it to us to bring glory to Him and good to the world in which we live!

Is Guilt the answer to Shame?...or is there something GREATER!

When I first read the last couple of chapters of Shame and Vulnerability Researcher Brene Brown's (PhD) book 'Daring Greatly' I was disappointed to read that she felt the answer to shame and its negative impact was to emphasise guilt more heavily.

She said on p 224  "...we need to separate our children from their behaviours.  As it turns out, there's a significant difference between you are bad and you did something bad.  And, no, its not just semantics.  Shame corrodes the part of us that believes we can do and be better.  When we shame and label our children, we take away their opportunity to grow and try on new behaviours.  If a child tells a lie, she can change that behaviour.  If she is a liar--where the potential for change in that?

Cultivating more guilt self-talk and less shame self-talk requires rethinking how we discipline and talk to our children."

She went on to use terms such as a child is 'good' but just makes bad choices.  Now, we know that from a Biblical perspective we are not inherently 'good' and just make bad choices.  We are sinfully bad and thus we make bad choices.  We lie not because we accidentally made a bad choice but because sin hates the truth.  We lie because at heart level we are liars.....so much so, that in saying we are 'good' is actually a lie in itself!

BUT separate of the false 'good' premise she promotes, she actually has a very good point that I failed to realise at the time of that first read.

She is right, guilt is imperative.  Or should I say an awareness of the reality of guilt and its place and function is imperative.  Without it, we have a lop-sided and detrimental perspective on our wrong-doing.

Living, as I do, in a culture that according to The Culture Test results has some of  the highest honour/shame emphasis levels in the world, I see more and more the problems of a lack of guilt emphasis.

You see, Brene Brown is right.  As she and so many others point out that shame is about who I am, and guilt is about what I do.  And if we leave off half the story we create a problem for ourselves.

But you see, I suggest Brene Brown is also wrong. God offers an answer to 'who I am' as well as 'what I do'.  If we only emphasise the 'what I do' we will miss out in offering people an answer for 'who I am'.  

Psychology has for years said that telling people about guilt is a bad thing,  Brene Brown is right in saying that perspective is destructive, because it has left us with only the 'shame' side of the picture.

We may not think so, but God blessed us with guilt in addition to shame.  It gives us balance.  It gives opportunity to hope and start again.  You see, we can see what we do more than who we are.

So when we see what we do, its easier to believe we 'are' something different. When we see what others do, its easier to believe they might be becoming something different.

This is where, if you are managing to follow me, her argument actually contradicts itself.

There is a reason that seeing what we do can give us hope that we 'are' becoming someone different.  And that is because what we do, does come from who we are.  If we are Christians, new creatures in Christ, the 'who we are' changes and thus the 'what we do' changes. ('by their fruit you shall know them' Matthew 7:20).  

What we do comes from who we are

But on the other hand, in our sinful nature, we lie because we are liars.  We sin because we are sinners.  Even our 'good works' outside of Christ are for our own honour and pleasure apart from God, and come from a heart that is self-focused. (Although it is true there is a vague marred image of God's character in our world and a knowledge of 'good' and 'evil' as well as the living example of Christians as salt and light that draws people to desire the benefits of 'good' and to avoid the realities of 'bad'.  And there are certain God ordained 'cause and effect' realities in our world of what happens when 'good' is done as opposed to 'evil' that the world enjoys as part of 'common grace'.)

The problem with her argument comes when a person for whatever reason does something 'bad' again.  At some point they will inevitably still feel that they are becoming 'bad' again.  So they will hide it because to 'become bad' is a  shame issue.

So Brene hopes that teaching kids to emphasise the guilt factor will help them focus on the 'bad thing' and not feel a 'bad person' and thus be more willing to even admit wrong in the first place and learn from it. She believes this will help to create 'shame resilience'.  But its an argument that is built on a false foundation that won't stand the tests she hopes it will.  Focusing on guilt may reduce the impact of shame, but it won't eliminate it.

Focusing on guilt may reduce the impact of shame, but it won't eliminate it.

Now, lets take a leap from this point, as I want to use what we have just talked about to talk further about the place and importance of guilt.  You see Brene Brown is on the right track, she just got a bit diverted by another aspect of psychology (that we are all inherently 'good') along the way.

When there is no or little emphasis on guilt, if a person does wrong, as we have said, there is no room for any interpretation except that the person is bad.  There is no distance between the act and the one committing the act.  There is no space or hope for change.  

But as we interact person to person, God has given a design that includes both guilt and shame.  When we focus on shame alone, and someone does something wrong, we have only two options.  1. ignore it.  2. have full on shame/rejection.  There is no middle ground.   Shame is a 'being' related function whereas guilt is a 'behaviour' related function.  

Shame severs relationship and if we only have 'shame' as a means for dealing with wrong, and emphasise the 'being' without the 'behaviour', we have no means for acknowledging the wrong but still offering relationship in which the person can bring new behaviour and rebuild the honour.  Forgiven guilt is the bridge one has to cross to properly move from shame to restored honour.  Without that bridge, the only answer to shame is a total separation of the relationship....or an ignoring of the behaviour so as to avoid the separation of the relationship.

Forgiven guilt is the bridge one has to cross to properly move from shame to restored honour. 

Aussies are seeing a form of this possibly playing out when the Speaker in Federal Parliament was 'found guilty' for claiming some transport allowance that when 'exposed' was beyond what the Australian public and other parlimentarians thought was acceptable even though it was within the 'rules'.  The Speaker explained it was not done as a deliberate breaking of any rule and she immediately offered to pay it back and did promptly pay it back with penalty.  She also made a significant statement of apology exhibiting remorse.  

Now I am not here to judge the sincerity or accusations surrounding this incident but....it reveals some interesting dynamics.

There were many (especially in the opposition) who demanded the Speaker step down and that she has totally lost their respect over the incident.  They say they cannot respect the position she holds in the Parliament while she fills it.  Interestingly a poll (31 July 2015) taken by THE AGE newspaper had about 2/3 agreeing she should step down because people have lost trust in her, and 1/3 who said she should stay otherwise the punishment would be greater than the crime.  

Here we have a situation that is like big flashing lights to me of a guilt-shame culture collision of a Western culture that is in tension, and dare I say transition, between a once guilt emphasis and a growing shame emphasis - although neither side would be aware of what is going on.

The Speaker (age 72) did all the 'right' things expected in a guilt emphasis culture - she confessed (didn't deny it), she gave an apology showing remorse, and she paid back the amount even with additional 25% penalty.  Not only that but she voluntarily asked the Finance committee to check all her other past expenses so if there is anything else that is felt she should pay back she will. I think she expected forgiveness and permission to 'start again' and show she would not do the same thing again.

Those accusing her, however have little room for forgiveness of guilt, it seems.  In their framework, she has broken the trust that they believed was necessary to hold the relationship of respect together.  So now the relationship is broken and the only way for the Parliament to move on is for her to be removed.  In their minds, the relationship has ended.  Behaviour is inseparable from the person, in their thinking, and opportunity for behaviour change is not permissible.  There is not the slightest hope for forgiveness and in fact the word hasn't even been mentioned in anything I've read. This is considered enough to ruin her reputation with no room for reparation.  From their perspective what she is guilty of, is that she lost their respect.

While details may differ, the elements of this scenario are so common in situations I've observed in the culture around me.  There is nothing positive about losing a right emphasis on guilt.  The West has been blessed for many years to benefit from a 'guilt factor' reality.  Brene Brown is right to be concerned about its fading from the scene and the need to make sure it comes back.

Lest I be thought to be simplistic in this, I am not saying an over-emphasis on guilt is the answer.  Part of the reason I was originally in disagreement with Brene Brown's statement was that if we just keep ignoring shame and emphasising guilt, it won't just go away.  Shame is not a human construct that we can eliminate.  Focusing on behaviour alone will not remove the reality of our 'being'.  We cannot detach 'what we do' from 'who we are'. 

Our world in its broken sinful state, and the West with its post-Judeo-Christian legacy, is grasping at ways to solve its problems.  It sees some blurred images of truth, that are fast fading in the Western world, but neither understands their source nor seeks the fullness of their truth.  Our world wants the blessings of godliness without God.

God has an answer for 'who we are

What our world fails to realise is that God has an answer for 'who we are'.  We do not have to declare ourselves 'good' in order to escape a knowledge 'we are bad'.  In fact when we do, we keep ourselves estranged from the very One who is good, and who wants to give us a new 'good' nature, in Himself.  

We can't rename a bad thing 'good' in the hope it will change.  But God doesn't just re-name us (although that's included since we go from sinner to saint!), but He remakes us and redeems us!  We get to change who we 'are'. 

We don't just have to learn shame resilience, but we receive shame replacement. We gain a new identity - one of honour instead of shame.  Not only are our sins forgiven, but the old 'me' goes and a new 'me' comes....a new 'me' is born!  

We can be born again when the One who cannot sin and does not sin is born into us and give us His new life!  Then since we behave from a base of who we are, our behaviour also begins to change.  

We won't be perfect in behaviour in this life as we battle the reality of this sinful world and our 'old' sinful nature in our flesh, but as we submit to Christ, we are being transformed from one degree of glory (honour) to another.

This is the good news of the gospel!

Too cute!

Its so much cheaper and easier for little girls to play 'mummies' here.  They don't need a dolly's pram or crib - just a piece of cloth....and before you know it Teddy is strapped on the back and they are off to help their mummies in the garden.

When two of my little 'grand-daughters' were visiting with their mummies today who were helping us with some gardening, these two littlies were (mostly!) happy as can be with their 'babies' on their backs just like their mummies used to do with them.

...and I just had to take a photo!...and thought others might like the little glimpse into African childhood, and to share the joy!

A Grand-daughter's gift!

Today marks a day of mixed emotions as our little 2yr old 'grand-
daughter' and her parents move back to Zimbabwe to live.

In many ways they don't want to go, but a variety of situations
require them to.

We have been making the most of these last weeks and days with them
with special outings and meals together. We have had so many special
'grand-parent' times and have lots of special memories and photos! We
will miss them a lot and they will miss us too. We have had so much
fun as little Tarnisha grows in her vocabulary of Shona (her parents
language), English (her 'grand-parents' language!) and Setswana (the
local language) and endeavours to work out which people understand
which words!
 We have watched her discover about pulling her little
wagon, figure out how to use her tiny 'kids' garden rake as she helps
her dad in the garden, learn to 'clap hands' with her 'Grand-pa
(Sekuru) and do drawings with her 'pens' (crayons) with Grand-ma
(Gogo). We have been encouraged as she learns about talking to God and
puts her hands together waiting for someone to 'give thanks to God' so
she can eat.

But yesterday brought another smile to my face and whenever I look at
this photo, I'll have a special memory... that I want to share...

Little Tarnisha's parents were packing the last of their things into a
box in our carport and I went out to sit and chat with them while they
worked. So Tarnisha came to sit with Gogo (that kept her occupied and
out from under her parents feet). After a while she took me by the
finger and led me to sit with her in a different spot, which we did
for a bit. Then she led me back by the finger to the first spot
again. After a few minutes, she took my finger again and tugged at my
arm to come with her to another spot. She didn't have the English
words yet to say what she wanted properly, but her mum interpreted the
Shona words for me - she wanted Gogo to come play with her in the sand

in our driveway. Between her mum and I, we explained that Gogo can't keep moving and can't go and play in the sand with her but that she
could go and play in the sand. She seemed to understand and happily enough went to the sand. 

But I was in for a surprise! A minute or so
later, she came back to me carefully carrying two full hands of sand and got me to open my hands so she could 'deliver' her gift. Then off
she went to get more! When she thought she had enough she stood in front of my open hand with its little pile of sand and proceeded to
play with that sand! When it had all been bumped out or fallen through my fingers, she just went and got more sand and brought it! Her creative thinking and kind heart and thoughtfulness of bringing the

sand to Gogo since Gogo couldn't go to the sand, touched our hearts.
How precious!

Well, before long my white trousers were quite dirty -
it looked like I really had played in the sand with her!