A baby....nearly Part 3 - Higher Perspectives!

In fact, for me, the issue of our infertility is probably one of the hardest ongoing emotional issues of serving as missionaries overseas - ie its an area where I am challenged time and again to trust God.  This is because it has meant that the 'gap' of no kids in our home seems all the greater when we also have not had the privilege of being around any of our nieces or nephews as they have grown up either. And it means that as we move along in years, in years to come the family relationships that would have been the strongest, that of our own kids, won't be one that will be there for us.

This has been one of the greatest tests for me to again and again choose the God-focused priority of eternity over the man-focused temporal issues, and entrusting our needs to our Heavenly Father.  

It's again and again choosing to rest in the fact that God has called us to a task that in many ways could not have been done the way it has, if we had kids. 

It is again and again reminding myself of the fact that God chose to bring us together as husband and wife knowing what plans He had for us, knowing that some kids here in Botswana needed to have a mum and dad for a period in their lives, and knowing that He was able to give me the strength to entrust our future to Him. And in it He has given us some very rich and special joys (as well as some of the deepest struggles) of being 'parents'.  We often say we skipped the 'nappies' (diapers) and went straight to the teenage problems! - we landed well and truly in the deep end first!

And again and again in it all, thanking Him for taking our uniqueness as infertile, and for His unique purposes of giving us the privilege of spiritually parenting several dear souls here in Botswana who will join us one day at the Marriage supper of the Lamb.  Because above all, as much as we long for it to be our own flesh and blood who look up into our eyes and call us mum and dad, we even more desire that many here on the edge of the Kalahari Desert may come to the place of being able to look to their Creator and say "Abba Father"!

(In case you are wondering, our infertility is actually most probably a situation of two people with fertility issues being brought together.  My husband has a physical condition called Klinefelter Syndrome - a genetic condition that affects 1 in 500 males, causing him to be infertile, and I have had issues with very very low ovulation - so as hard as it is, (and it is still hard), we can see God's purposes in the way he allowed us to be formed in our mother's wombs so that instead of raising our own babies, He could call us to be busy being mum and dad to those who needed one, as well as enabling spiritual babies to be born and grow here in Africa)

......and the baby in the photo is our first African 'grand-child' when she was about 8 months old.

here is another blogpost I recommend in regard to infertility and loving those couples who are infertile, in a God glorifying way....

A baby....nearly! Part 2 - Cross cultural issues of Infertility

But what about for us in the additional context of a cross-cultural living situation?

God has blessed us with many young people here in Botswana who call us mum and dad....and now even one who calls me Granny as the next generation begins.  We sometimes get Mother's Day and Father's Day messages, and they look out for us to some degree now they are all grown up and 'on their own', but no, its not the same as having your own kids.  None of these kids are biologically ours or even by adoption.  

For us, even though we were very willing to adopt, circumstances have meant we are unable to do so, because we are not living in our home country, and we don't live in a country that is a signatory to the Hague Convention and its not so easy for a foreigner to adopt in our country of residence.   So essentially believing the Lord had called us here, meant being willing to sacrifice the possibility of being able to adopt children.

Culturally though there are also additional and different issues to consider with living in an entirely different part of the world. In the culture of the surrounding society, a female adult who hasn't borne a child is still viewed as a 'girl' as opposed to a woman and has little or no standing or respect in society.   In the city the issue is less noticed of course, but culturally the issue is still very much there.  In the church/Christian environment, many folks around would say that no children shows a lack of faith or a punishment from God and withholding of blessing for some sin you either did in the past or are doing now that you are trying to keep secret but God sees it.  We have even encountered situations where even in the church men or women will quietly 'offer' themselves for either partner in an infertile marriage to 'sleep' with so as to 'enable God' to give the infertile couple, a baby.  Many unbiblical ideas and practices abound. 

God has been very gracious to me, with being in the city as opposed to a village, where we are less 'watched' in some ways.  It is also quite normal here for kids to be looked after by a nanny or auntie and actually not be out with the parents all that often.  So if I am counselling someone in a Corporate office setting or meeting with a Corporate executive, or even chatting with someone in a shopping mall, they have no idea whether I have kids or not.  Those who know us well, know our situation and the reason that we don't have kids is because of infertility issues.....  

........God has also blessed us with close local friends who are willing to stand strong on the fact that childbearing is for within marriage only with the man you are married to, so I haven't really had pressure to just 'get a baby' any way possible.  Unfortunately around us there is much bearing of children not only out of wedlock, but even sometimes without being sure of who the father is.  For some it has become a higher priority to have a child, than to wait till marriage to have a child and often adults in the community and parents will encourage a girl to just 'bring a baby'.  

Having said that, though, when a child is born, the mother and child are not seen publicly for several months if traditional ways are followed.  So to some degree it isn't as obvious to the community around that I don't have children.  Expatriates, of which there are many here in the Capital city, also often send their children away to boarding school and so their kids aren't around.  So, many assumptions are made by the local folk as to why they don't see us with children and that reduces how many questions I have to answer, or how much lack of respect I might otherwise have had to deal with.

But does that eliminate completely the grief or heartache of not being able to have our own kids?  Definitely not. 

follow on in Part 3 where I share some of how God has helped me see 'higher' perspectives on my situation!

A baby...nearly! - Part 1

It's Mother's Day today.  It's always a day of mixed emotions for me.  I am not a mother in the normal sense of the term, and probably never will be, and yet in another sense I am.  What some might call 'spiritual mothering' is something God has granted me many times as I have had the privilege of either leading someone to Christ or God has brought them to me as young Christians, and then I have been able to help them grow in 'favour with God and Man'.

As we refer to our 'kids' and even our 'grand-daughter' in these blogs, they are not our own biological children.  However, they have been a very special blessing to us, especially our little 'grand-daughter'.  This is another way in which God has granted me the privilege of 'mothering'.

But last year,  we were asked by a Social worker if we would be willing to foster a 4 month old baby girl, with the real possibility of it resulting in something more permanent. There were many surrounding circumstances that caused our hearts to long to provide a happy Christian environment for this baby, not least the desire to hold a little one in our arms that we would possibly call our own.  However there were several other surrounding circumstances which the more we thought about it, the more we felt God saying 'no'.  That was hard. Very hard.

One of the main reasons we had to say no, was that we knew that all other ministry would have to go on hold. We had to once again face the reality of whether we were going to follow God's call on our lives and how we believe he has been and is leading us re future ministry, or whether we were going to follow our heart longings?  

That incident got me going over the topic of :

'Kids'

.....or the lack thereof......and I began jotting down some thoughts about infertility as we worked through the whole issue yet again, and I had been thinking of whether to put them into a blogpost....so finally here it is....

"Infertility" is a loaded word.  It's loaded enough when you are within your own culture but what about in a cross-cultural situation.  Are there further implications?

Infertility is a very difficult and personal issue for any couple to work through.  We are no exception.  Issues arise that are just never issues for those who have been able to fall pregnant and give birth to their own kids fairly easily. When we were newly married we never thought they would be issues for us either!

Here are some of those issues:

- Grief - if someone we know and love dies, we grieve that loss.  Being unable to fall pregnant month after month and year after year also has its own version of grief.  And a couple can feel very alone in that grief.  What was once hoped for, becomes a possibility lost and loss brings grief.  And unlike unmet expectations of hoping for a bigger house or a new TV, this is not a sinful materialistic desire, but a basic function of humanity that God ordained "Multiply and fill the earth".  This grief then brings questions of God's will, love, sovereignty and purposes, along with a new type of learning to trust Him and that His ways are always perfect.

- Decisions - there are decisions, questions, research on options, medical tests and treatments, which ones to pursue, as well as how far and how long to pursue them....I don't know if you have heard of the Duggar family in the USA who have become famous through a reality TV show featuring their family of 19kids.  Recently Mrs Michelle Duggar was being interviewed after their intimation that they may even consider adopting their 20th child and she said :

"We have friends that have adopted children who are a great influence in our lives, and we have talked about their experiences. So it's something we've considered. We have to know for sure that is what God wants for us to do," she said in her interview with People. "When he gives us a child [through pregnancy], there is no doubt in our minds that is what He wants, but when it comes to adoption, we would have to know for sure that was His will. http://www.today.com/moms/duggars-consider-adopting-their-20th-child-1C9081219 

Even in this there are all kinds of processes to consider, not least if it is a road God even wants a couple to walk down.  I fully identified with the sentiments of Michelle Duggar.

- Financial issues - whether its the cost of adoption (especially international adoption) or medical procedures - these are costs that 'fertile' couples just don't face.  So then it becomes a situation where weeks and maybe months or years are spent in heart searching and discussion and uncertainty as to whether or not it is being a good steward of God's money to spend such huge amounts of money when the outcome may still mean no child at the end of it....for us this was especially true when we believed God wanted us focused at the time on preparing to serve him in a missions capacity overseas.

- This is to say nothing of the moral issues involved - medical technology has so much to offer and a couple may have to work through the ethics of IVF and other options.

- I could go on and list other such issues as being pre-judged by others as to why you don't have children, the possibility of loss of fellowship as friends and peers who all have children socialise together when the kids get together, and no-one to share and pass on your life stories and heritage with or to care for you like your own kids do when you get older.

I'll put some more thoughts in 'part 2' about it all with the added implications of living in another culture.....

Baby season!

One of the joys of living where we do is the wildlife - as I have
mentioned in previous blogs.

And a really special part of this is the baby animals. We have had a
few baby monkeys around but yesterday the baboons brought their babies
for an adventure to our garden.

The troop of about 7 or 8 baboons also included 3 babies - they were
sooooo cute!

Normally, when I have tried to photograph the baboons, no matter how
quiet I try to be, they hear something and all run off.

So yesterday, I got the camera, turned it on with a pillow over it so
the 'beep' was muffled, and took the photos through the flyscreen!

It was lots of fun to watch those little guys running helter skelter,
trying to jump up on our small garden stone walls, and play their own
version of 'chase'.

One of the babies was a bit smaller than the other two, and he stayed
pretty close to his mum most of the time. And when I unintentionally
made a noise inside the house, and the troop momentarily thought they
needed to make a run for it, that little guy was firmly hanging from
his mum's belly in a flash!

......Next blog I'll share a bit more about another kind of baby......