Social Media = the new 'omnipresent force' causing FOMO!.....but maybe a great gospel stepping stone too!

Here are some very enlightening excerpts from a recent ABC news email I received a couple of days ago (Sunday 8 November):

*#FOMO leading to higher levels of depression, anxiety*

The fear of missing out (or FOMO) generated by high levels of social media use can lead to depression and anxiety, according to a new report looking at the way social media impacts wellbeing.

........over half (53 per cent) of Australian teens reporting that they used social networking sites for 15 minutes before bed every night.

Sydney student Jessica Sahay, 17, spends over an hour browsing through Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat before she goes to sleep.

........More than half of young respondents in the survey said they had felt worried, jealous and anxious after finding out they had been left out of a gathering through pictures or status updates on social media.....

"You feel a bit jealous and the next time you see them it gets a bit tense but that stuff happens all the time."

.......The survey found that a fear of missing out does not stop once people enter adulthood, with the survey noting that those aged 18-35 reported the highest feelings of being left out amongst all adults. 

Dr Ferrier said that people needed to be aware of the positive and negative impacts of social media. 

"It makes it harder for people to feel happy and have gratitude for their own lives and that's quite a debilitating and serious thing," he said.

"We've got an omnipresent force here that's making people feel less satisfied and less happy with their own lives."

(emphasis mine)

LEFT OUT

Social Media which appears to promise SO much - popularity, approval, likes, inclusion in a group, connection, happiness, acceptance, - a sense of belonging, importance, value and honour...........delivers much less.  Not only can it deliver less it can be destructive and damaging and debilitating, so the survey revealed.

People are feeling 'left out'.  This is nothing other than a sense of rejection - "why wasn't I invited".  This is part of the picture of shame - or lack of honour.  It's about fear of disapproval - fear that somehow I've not done enough of whatever it is to get included, and instead I get 'left out'. I've not met the expectation of those I desire approval of and someone else got invited and I didn't.  

If ever there is evidence of a subconscious belief of 'limited good', here it is. 

Here are millions of people who feel they have been excluded simply because they haven't been 'included'.  They inherently feel that someone else has somehow got valued higher than them simply because they didn't get asked to a party. .....and what is the evidence of that.....the little word 'jealous'.  Along with worry and anxiety (essentially fear), there is a very real awareness that someone else got something that they were deprived of.  Along with it is worry and anxiety - this is essentially fear - fear of the pain of loss of psycho-social connection and honour - the fear of shame of not being chosen that translates to awkwardness (shame) 'next time you see them'.

WHY?

Because people are looking to other people for what God created them to receive from Himself.

The last line of the news bulletin is the 'tell all' statement - "We've got an omnipresent force here that's making people feel less..."

The reason there is a sense of an 'omnipresent force' of the negative variety is that people were actually looking for an 'omnipresent force' that would always notice them and praise them and approve of them and like them and want them to be near and part of their lives.  That's why they are spending hours every day checking their social media status and updates - they want 'constant' and 'always with them' belonging and honour.  They are actually looking for God and not knowing who it is who is the answer to their heart's longing.  

GREAT GOSPEL OPPORTUNITY

Although this is very revealing as to how the 21st Century youth and young adults are functioning and what they are longing for, it also reveals a great 'contextualisation' point thoroughly immersed in shame, honour and identity dynamics.

This is not an era in the West where you can walk up to someone and ask 'do you feel under a load of guilt?', or maybe not even 'do you want to go to heaven?', but it is a generation that you can walk up to and get into conversation about the positives and negatives of social media and how it makes a person feel.  There is great opportunity to use even the terminology mentioned in this news bulletin....and great opportunity to bring people desperate for connection, belonging and approval and honour to an understanding of what they are really looking for and a realisation that the world's solutions to such problems are empty and even destructive and we need to look to the only One who is truly omnipresent.

They are looking for an omnipresent (always seeing and knowing), loving Father who accepts and approves.  They are looking for a family outside their biological family where they belong, are loved, and valued.  They are looking for others to know them and still accept them.  They need to know how much God wants to be their Father and how He wants them as part of His family sharing in His Son's identity.  They need to know that its sin and rebellion that separates us from God and from each other, its our insistence on looking to people for what only God can give that brings us worry, jealousy, anxiety and depression.  They need to know that the truly Omnipresent One is both our Saviour to rescue us from this mess, but also our Judge if we choose to stay as part of the mess. They need to know that any sense of 'left out' now is but a minimal taste of what its going to mean to be 'left out' of the party for eternity (and according to Jesus' parable about the Rich Man and Lazarus those in hell are able to see the party and those at it and have constant 'salt rubbed into the wound' of exclusion).

Good news is only good if it is the answer to bad news.  The social media world is handing the Church the 'bad news' answer opportunity, on a platter.

Don't get caught in the social media trap, but also lets open our eyes to those around us who are caught in it or fast heading in that direction where they are seeking in Facebook what only living before the face of God - 'Coram Deo' -  can do.

Let's bring them the good news of Jesus Christ!

Social Media's Empty Promises of Connection

"we are and therefore I am"

 This is how honour/shame collective society has been described.

 "I share and therefore I am" 

This is how Sherry Turkle, researcher and author of "Reclaiming Conversation" describes our modern social media saturated society in the TED TALK above - Please take the time to watch it.  

We are obsessed with connection, but we are avoiding conversation and ending up with isolation.

She talks about how we fear being alone and yet with social media we are constantly trying to overcome loneliness.  And in the process we are cutting ourselves off from the very thing we want.

She says:

• Make room for solitude
• Reclaim spaces for conversation - like the kitchen
• We need to listen to each other - including the boring bits

She says people tell her: "Life is hard, relationships are filled with risk. And then there's technology, simpler, hopeful, optimistic, ever young...."

It is true - life is hard, relationships are filled with risk.  But we will never enjoy the beauty of the mountaintop without the risk of the climb.  Social Media tells us the lie that we can get all the beauty of relationships without the face-to-face work of relationships, and we are trying to gain identity from social media's promise of connection.

We need to stop, think, pause and listen to each other and not just be rushed to get onto the next thing, or write the next text message.  We need to value the person in front of us and not keep treating them as unimportant.  And as Sherry says, we need to be willing to let people talk and be willing to listen - to tune in even to the boring bits.  We need to think more about what the person needs to say, not just what we think we need to hear.

While technology may be useful to some degree, it will never give us real relationships or identity.

And on the other hand, maybe our fear of solitude and quietness testifies to the fact that we are seeking identity and belonging from people first rather than God.

You see if we converse and truly connect with God in relationship, even when we are alone in the sense of not being with other human beings, we aren't really alone.

A sweet little girl that I used to babysit many years ago came home from pre-school one day and in answer to her mother's question, "So who did you play with in the playground today?"....she said "no-one, I just played by myself, but that's ok because I just talked with Jesus while I played"

If we stop seeking significance, honour, belonging and the feeling of being 'wanted' or 'needed' by people around us and instead seek relationship with God first, we will be free to take the face-to-face relationship risks and do the hard work of listening and 'being' with others.
But we will also not be reliant on others and constantly keeping up social media and virtual 'connection' with people at the expense of the real people in front of us. 
We will also not be fearing solitude, because we will know the comfort and presence of God with us, even if we are not having other people around us. 

While God created us for social interaction, we must not let that social interaction become an idol that we feel we can't live without...it won't deliver want it promises.

'in an age of separation'

Several of our blogs have focused on the Shame dynamic strongly emerging in Western culture.

What may be some of the various catalyst's driving such a situation?

• social media is certainly contributing to what is being termed by some as 'shame storming'

• the human heart, sinful and ever bent on putting others down in order to lift ourselves up, is definitely a factor

• the migration of many folks from 'shame cultures' to the West is sure to be a contributor too

• the fact that the West has long left the priority of acknowledging God in His position of absolute truth and authority and has settled for the idea that everyone is free to have their own 'truth' has left the door wide open for subjective group standards and shaming 

• this in turn spawns the unwritten life-value that its other people's opinions and approval that one has to seek for success and identity rather than God's opinion and approval

• when people live for approval in the eyes of others instead of the eyes of God, there is nothing to fall back on for identity and significance if a person fails to get that approval from others, so they will strive for it 'with their whole heart, mind and strength'.  A person can easily be manipulated once this occurs, because they will almost sacrifice anything to gain it and hold onto it.  It goes without saying that fear of losing it, or shame for losing it, becomes a person's sole behaviour motivator and modifier.

BUT is there something more to figure into this mix?

I just read a recommendation by Elyse Fitzpatrick for Ed Welch's book 'Side by Side'.  It's a book about helping average church members know what it means to counsel and come alongside one-another in the day to day struggles of life.  Here is what Elyse said:

"Welch builds a vision of a Christian community that moves beyond platitudes and empty promises to deep, scriptural, Christlike relationships. You will find this book to be a helpful primer on how to ask for and provide help in the midst of an age of separation."
—Elyse M. Fitzpatrick, counselor; speaker; author, Found in Him

The part of her comment I want to draw your attention to is:  "help in the midst of an age of separation".

I truly believe that one reason that could be added to my list above of why the dynamic of shame is suddenly coming to the fore, is because over many decades we have become a group of humanity (particularly in the West) that has become less and less deeply 'connected'.

We were made for relationship and connection.  

Just because society has become less connected hasn't eliminated our desire for connection.

What has contributed to this level of dis-connection?

• many years ago there was no car, let alone ones that are all closed up like a bubble.  People walked, or rode a horse or donkey, or travelled in an (often open) carriage.  

• in the Australian city where I grew up and now in my part of the world, in urban Africa, and in many other cities around the world, houses used to have no or low open wire fences.  Now we often have high fences and walls.

• years ago, kids walked or rode bikes to school chatting with one another along the way, now a parent takes them in the family car.

• years ago there was no TV, let alone internet, netflix or youtube and families talked over dinner and after dinner

• years ago most mums didn't work and kids could have plenty of time to chat with mum before school and after

• years ago many people lived in the same neighbourhoods all their lives and often attended the same church generation after generation.

• years ago people had long chats over the fence, over a 'cuppa tea' at the kitchen table or wrote long well thought out letters to each other

• years ago almost all homes had kids living with both biological parents, unless the child was an orphan due to the death of the parents.

• years ago people greeted each other as they passed along the way and often knew the 'person' behind the face.

But now...

life is somewhat different.

- cities, 

urban living, 

the motor car, 

ease of travel and communication, 

women working outside the home 

and our hectic lifestyle 

have propelled us into dis-relational lifestyles.

We are obsessed with 'privacy' - possibly as an 'over-reaction' to village gossip and the fear of 'big brother'!...but our idolisation of privacy has also given us isolation....

....and yes then along came such inventions as 'facebook', and 'twitter'.

Suddenly with these on-line connection opportunities we believe we have a place where we think we can keep our 'privacy' and get 'connection' as well.  After all we can get 'connected' from the 'privacy' of our own home, car, office, bedroom or even bathroom.  We rush headlong into what was proposed to be the answer to our relational void.

We were desperate to be able to feel 'connected' to people.

But sadly, while not all bad, this 'connection' is filled with a great deal of 'fool's gold'.  It doesn't deliver all that it promises.  

Do 500 'likes' or 1000 'followers' equate to 2 friends you know you can pour your heart out to and have regular deep and helpful conversations - friends you know well and who know you well ...and maybe a few more who while maybe not 'heart-to-heart' level of friends are lifelong connections who still know you well?

Do one sentence snippets and a photo posted here and there equate to deep heart-to-heart exchanges? 

Having coffee with friends is often eclipsed by the smart phone - its not unusual to see 3 or 4 friends gather at a coffee shop and they are each on their own iPhone and none of them are actually talking to each other!  I've now heard of some coffee shops that are 'smart-phone-free' zones to try to get people actually talking to each other!

As I've mentioned before, a friend of mine in Australia has a ministry she calls 'tea an talks' or 'coffee and chats', which is simply just to invite someone over to her home for a cup of tea and cookies and to relax and chat for a couple of hours.  She has had so much positive feedback from such times - people saying 'it was just so good to talk'.

I want to encourage you to take the opportunities you have and make more opportunities to give people space to feel free to have extended time to talk.  

We live in a very superficial world.  We have access to more information than ever before but most people go no further than the surface.  Open the door for folk to come in to your life and feel relaxed and unhurried enough to share. 'Bear one another's burdens and so fulfil the law of Christ'.  Close the gap of separation. How well are we doing at that?  

Especially these days I am so reminded of the opportunities others may have that I don't have right now.  It's not easy to have almost no long term friends with whom I can 'grow' with.  Living as an expat in a foreign country means you tend to connect with other expats and missionaries that are hardly here than they are gone again.  For both my husband and I, we have to live with the fact that we just start to build a good friendship with someone and then they return to their home country. In fulfilling the call of God on our lives to be here, we are separated from all our biological family.  Then for me now days, with limited mobility, I hardly ever have opportunity to have deep heart-to-heart conversations with other women.  

So I say, don't neglect the opportunities you have - both to build others up but also to know the blessing of having others build you up in the process.  When we don't reach out to others and develop deep friendships, not only do we cheat others, but we also deprive ourselves.  It's not an opportunity that we can assume we will always have ready access to.

People around us are desperate for 'connection' in our age of separation.  Their hearts are crying and yearning for opportunities to share the deep troubles of their hearts and the deep questions of their soul and just fellowship of heart.  But instead we are captive to the notion that everyone should 'respect each others privacy' and not encroach on another person's time.  But the body of Christ is supposed to be a place where we  can bear our souls and build each other up, counsel and encourage each other, confront sin with love, and support one another.  

Experiencing the fulness and blessing of 'loving one another' doesn't happen with superficial connection.

Take the first step....invite others to share your time and space, not via a touchpad on an iPhone or iPad, but face to face, over a coffee for a few hours.  

Help rebuild our communities into ones that interact the way God made us to, communities which in the midst of 'separation' are yearning for connection, for love.  

Seek to be a blessing to others and in turn you will be blessed.