But what about for us in the additional context of a cross-cultural living situation?
God has blessed us with many young people here in Botswana who call us mum and dad....and now even one who calls me Granny as the next generation begins. We sometimes get Mother's Day and Father's Day messages, and they look out for us to some degree now they are all grown up and 'on their own', but no, its not the same as having your own kids. None of these kids are biologically ours or even by adoption.
For us, even though we were very willing to adopt, circumstances have meant we are unable to do so, because we are not living in our home country, and we don't live in a country that is a signatory to the Hague Convention and its not so easy for a foreigner to adopt in our country of residence. So essentially believing the Lord had called us here, meant being willing to sacrifice the possibility of being able to adopt children.
Culturally though there are also additional and different issues to consider with living in an entirely different part of the world. In the culture of the surrounding society, a female adult who hasn't borne a child is still viewed as a 'girl' as opposed to a woman and has little or no standing or respect in society. In the city the issue is less noticed of course, but culturally the issue is still very much there. In the church/Christian environment, many folks around would say that no children shows a lack of faith or a punishment from God and withholding of blessing for some sin you either did in the past or are doing now that you are trying to keep secret but God sees it. We have even encountered situations where even in the church men or women will quietly 'offer' themselves for either partner in an infertile marriage to 'sleep' with so as to 'enable God' to give the infertile couple, a baby. Many unbiblical ideas and practices abound.
God has been very gracious to me, with being in the city as opposed to a village, where we are less 'watched' in some ways. It is also quite normal here for kids to be looked after by a nanny or auntie and actually not be out with the parents all that often. So if I am counselling someone in a Corporate office setting or meeting with a Corporate executive, or even chatting with someone in a shopping mall, they have no idea whether I have kids or not. Those who know us well, know our situation and the reason that we don't have kids is because of infertility issues.....
........God has also blessed us with close local friends who are willing to stand strong on the fact that childbearing is for within marriage only with the man you are married to, so I haven't really had pressure to just 'get a baby' any way possible. Unfortunately around us there is much bearing of children not only out of wedlock, but even sometimes without being sure of who the father is. For some it has become a higher priority to have a child, than to wait till marriage to have a child and often adults in the community and parents will encourage a girl to just 'bring a baby'.
Having said that, though, when a child is born, the mother and child are not seen publicly for several months if traditional ways are followed. So to some degree it isn't as obvious to the community around that I don't have children. Expatriates, of which there are many here in the Capital city, also often send their children away to boarding school and so their kids aren't around. So, many assumptions are made by the local folk as to why they don't see us with children and that reduces how many questions I have to answer, or how much lack of respect I might otherwise have had to deal with.
But does that eliminate completely the grief or heartache of not being able to have our own kids? Definitely not.
follow on in Part 3 where I share some of how God has helped me see 'higher' perspectives on my situation!
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