The Boy at the Gate - Grass roots honour-shame renewing of the mind.

Our study and research is all about an end-goal of practical teaching that transforms lives as we seek to help others around us learn God's ways of how honour-shame dynamics should function. Sometimes that practical application is in situations we have thought about and worked through deeply before confronting. Many other times it turns up in unexpected impromptu daily-life ways. Today's story was not only a reminder that sin is not just about disobedience but about disrespect, but was another situation of the unexpected….

It was a sunny afternoon in the village, and about the time the local children were walking home after school. 

Without any warning God landed me another situation to help others out of cultural mis-placed honour-shame dynamics and to begin to see and experience honour-shame dynamics as God desires. This time it was a group of village children.

Suddenly I had heard our gate bell ring (its a cow-bell tied to the inside of our gate that you don't even know is there unless you have been inside our yard, or seen someone else ring it.)

I was brought a message that some girls from my Saturday village girls' bible study were at the gate.  

However when I got to the gate, I discovered only one of the girls there, but she was with 2 other boys I had actually not seen before. They were all on their way home from school. The girl immediately pointed with a stick she was playing with, to the older boy, indicating it was him who had rung the bell.

But when I asked what they wanted, there was silence. 

No-one wanted to say why they were there. 

After a few more questions and the older boy particularly continuing to be sheepishly silent, I figured out that they were pulling  a prank... but for some reason they didn't actually run away when I had come to the gate….maybe because the girl knew it would be disrespectful to do that and she would be 'shamed' next bible study time if what she did was exposed.

I asked a few more times, in various ways, just to be sure if there really was a real reason for ringing the bell. Each time I asked, I just got silence, and then a hint of a smirk from the older boy. When I tried to ask the other young boy and the girl about it, they also just kept silent and pointed to the older boy.

But rather than just reprimand them for wasting my time, and then telling them to go, I thought momentarily about using it as an opportunity. I had never specifically told them previously to not ring the bell for no reason, so it wasn't a situation of saying 'why are you ringing the bell for no reason when we have told you not to do that?'

So, I firstly responded to the boy using honour-shame language, saying that if he is ringing the bell for no reason, he is being 'disrespectful'.

Well that immediately got a different response. His head dropped and he wouldn't look at me. 

When, culturally, the one major sin to avoid is 'disrespect' or 'dishonour' or 'shame', then without linking the wrong act to the wrong attitude of disrespect/dishonour, there is no conscience prod. But when sin is brought back to the dynamic of honour/respect, then the conscience starts to kick-in. And often here, especially with kids, the English honour word used is most often is 'respect/disrespect'. So the cultural context of sin that envelops the word 'disrespect' sunk in to his heart.

I talked a bit longer to the boy and the two others about how his 'playing' just for 'fun' also means I am less likely to believe him to have a genuine need next time he rings the bell, because this time was not an honest need. So ringing the bell for a joke is like not telling the truth and is making him to be seen as less trustworthy. I asked him if he wanted to be known as someone who was trustworthy? He nodded, 'yes'.

So that was progress…at least he was responding even if not verbally yet!

So then I asked again if he had a reason for ringing the bell. And, with head down again, I suddenly heard a quiet 'no' emerge from his lips. 

I thanked him for being honest, and explained that it is always honourable and never shameful in God's eyes to speak the truth.

But before they went, I said that what he needed to then do was say 'sorry Mma …. for ringing the gate without a reason...'

Well that was just too much, and he went quiet again. So I repeated myself. 

Quiet.

His head was down with eyes looking at the dirt.

The problem is that confession is self-shaming, and if culturally, shame is the big something to be avoided at all costs, he was in a difficult situation.  To respect me, he has to shame himself. He may want to restore respect but he doesn't want to self-shame (in front of me or his friends). To speak the truth meant he self-shamed. To complicate it even further, a child learns that often culturally to speak the truth is also seen as shameful if it might dishonour an elder. So a child learns that culturally it is not always acceptable to others and can be a 'wrongdoing' to speak the truth, let alone it also destroying personal honour.

So I then explained that if he said sorry, there was the offer of forgiveness, and instead of going away shamed, he could go away with the shame removed and back in a position of respect and honour.

I then further explained that God says, that to say the truth and admit (confess) wrongdoing is always respectful and honourable in His eyes, and thus also it's the same for me in this situation.

Wow! Then I heard him break his silence again with, 'I'm sorry' …and he then continued to say fully what he was sorry for.

So then I said 'I forgive you'. 

He looked sincerely a mixture of relief and confusion and puzzlement and wonder. He had probably not ever had such an interaction or experience of forgiveness and shame-removal in that way before.

I then explained again that his disrespectful bell-ringing shamed him, but now his truth-telling and admitting/confessing his sin was honourable and respectful again…so now with my forgiveness he could leave and continue on his way with respect (honour) in the relationship again instead of shame. I re-iterated that is how it is with God…telling the truth and admitting and confessing sin is never shameful in God's eyes, it restores honour in the relationship.

As he left, and walked with his friends toward home, he still seemed a bit bewildered by the whole event…but his head wasn't down, and although as he left I heard some interaction indicating that he seemed to want to brush over the embarrassment of the incident with his friends, I pray God would etch that experience and conversation into his memory, and even if I never see him again, that he will one day remember that God's way of honour is different from his culture's way, and God's way is the only way that truly sets us free from the bondage and shame of our sin.